I am nearly 40 years old. Before practicing Falun Dafa, I put all my hopes in my family. At that time, my husband's family had purchased a two-story building, so my husband and I lived together with his parents. My husband ran a profitable factory and I had been pregnant for nine months. I had a happy marriage and felt very satisfied. One day I found unexpectedly that my husband was having an affair. Regardless of the consequences, I got into a fight with that woman. This happened in June 1995.
One day when I was walking on the street, I saw my husband passing by, driving a motorcycle with that woman on the back seat. I immediately called a taxi and tried to catch them. When I chased them to a cross section of a railroad, a train was coming and they could not go any further. I jumped out of the taxi before it came to a complete stop. I quickly caught that woman's hair, pulled her down with her back on the seat of the motorcycle, and then quickly scratched her face. For the sake of that moment, I had saved my nails and had not trimmed them for over twelve days. However, at the moment when my fingers touched her eyes and started to feel the flesh of her face, I suddenly felt mercy for her and did not scratch that hard. Although her eyeballs were not scratched out, her face was full of my fingernail marks. Later that day, I was sent to a hospital and three days later I gave birth to my child.
One day after the New Year of 1996, my child got sick. I anxiously phoned my husband; however, he did not call back. I held my baby, walking back and forth at my house. By 10:00 p.m. my husband still had not come home. My child had a hoarse voice from continuous crying. Feeling anxious and indignant, I was resentful toward my irresponsible husband. He betrayed me after I had taken on all the housework and hardships in helping him make his fortune. I also hated that woman who had stepped in between my husband and me and ruined my happy family. I felt sorry for my child, who had to bear the sufferings right after he came to this world. The more I thought about it, the more resentful I became. I felt indignant for the unfair treatment that my child and I had received. I also resented myself for my weakness and incompetence. I buried all the hatred in my heart. While thinking this way, I grabbed a knife and stabbed it into my lower leg. As the cut began gushing blood, I swore to myself that I would not forgive that woman who had ruined my family. I would not let my blood be shed for nothing, and I wanted her to pay me back even more for my sufferings. I was sent to a hospital. The doctor said, "The wound is one and half inches deep and almost cut the artery; you are very lucky." It took more than ten stitches to close the wound, and it left a one-inch scar on my leg.
My legs could not move and I had to lie down on the bed. One day one of my relatives came to visit and brought me a book, Zhuan Falun. After I finished reading the book, my first thought was that I wanted to be a good person. At the same time, I understood a principle: de (virtue) is so precious, but one will lose it and gain the black substance (karma) if one hits and curses others. I realized that I should not hit and curse her any more. The Teacher said, "As a practitioner, the first thing you should be able to do is to not fight back when you are beaten or sworn atyou must be tolerant. Otherwise, what kind of practitioner will you be?" ["People with Great Inborn Quality" in Lecture Nine of Zhuan Falun]. The Teacher also demands that "you should always maintain a heart of compassion and kindness" and "You should always be benevolent and kind to others, and consider others when doing anything." [Lecture Four of Zhuan Falun] To be a practitioner, I must fulfill the Teacher's requirements and act in accordance with the principle of Zhen-Shan-Ren (Truthfulness-Benevolence-Forbearance).
However, with hatred in my heart, it was really difficult for me to be compassionate to her and even more difficult for me to be tolerant. The word "forbearance" almost drove me crazy. One day in my husband's office, I saw her in front of me and I had to control my urge to hit her. However, I could not refrain myself from jumping back and forth between the coffee table and the sofa. In the end, I threw her bag out on the street. At that time I thought that I did not hit and curse her because I was practicing Falun Gong. Later, whenever I came across her, I would humiliate her with acrimonious language. Even so, I still believed that I was doing pretty well since I did not hit and curse her.
I was really in pain in those days! I could not bear it nor let it go. I did not know what a cultivator's forbearance really was. "To endure with anger, grievance, or tears is the forbearance of an everyday person who is attached to his concerns" ("What is Forbearance (Ren)?" in Essentials for Further Advancement). I dreamed many times that I held my child in the dark night and looked for the way to go home. There were so many times on the street that I mistook someone with curly hair for her, and only when I drew close did I realize my mistake. It was really painful to me because I could not let go of this hatred and resentment. Just as the Teacher said, "You must remember this: Cultivation itself is not painfulthe key lies in your inability to release everyday people's attachments. Only when you are about to let go of your reputation, interests, and feelings will you feel pain" ("Genuine Cultivation" in Essentials for Further Advancement). Teacher's words went deep into my heart. I felt painf because I was attached to human sentiments. To cultivate, I had to let go of this attachment.
Realizing that my husband and that woman did not sever their relationship, I left this so-called home at the end of July 1996. I went to work in the shop of my son's aunt, who's also a Dafa practitioner.
As I participated in the group Fa studying and repeatedly read Zhuan Falun, I came to understand more and more. The Teacher said, "Why do you encounter these problems? They are all caused by your own karma. We have already eliminated for you many, numerous pieces of it, leaving only that tiny bit which is divided into tribulations at different levels for upgrading your xinxing [mind-nature/ translator], tempering your mind, and removing your different attachments. These are all your own tribulations that we use to improve your xinxing, and you will be able to overcome them." ("Transformation of Karma" in Lecture Four of Zhuan Falun) I understood that all my suffering resulted from my own karma. Why should I blame others for all the suffering caused by my own karma? Since she helped me dissolve my karma in the conflict, why could I not maintain my xinxing and avoid becoming resentful? The answer was that I did not judge this problem according to the Fa, [law of the universe] but instead treated it with the logic of the human world. I did not want to acknowledge my huge amount of karma, nor did I want to bear and transform it on my own. I turned to blame others instead. Our Teacher also said, "A wicked person is born of jealousy. Out of selfishness and anger he complains about unfairness towards himself. A benevolent person always has a heart of compassion. With no discontent or hatred, he takes hardship as joy." ("Realms" in Essentials for Further Advancement) Failing to be a compassionate person, how could I be a practitioner? Gradually my heart became a little more peaceful.
Not long after I left home, she moved in. In everyday life, she helped take care my child. In my cultivation, she helped me dissolve my karma and raise my xinxing. How could I still resent her? As I understood more and more in Dafa, my xinxing was elevated and I let go of much of that attachment of hatred. My child grew up and started to learn to talk. When someone told me that my child called this woman mother, I felt cheated again. Without her, I would not have been separated from my child. Every time when I went to see my child and saw him wearing wet pants, my heart hurt so much. Every time I saw this, I forced myself to bear it. I understood that this feeling of unfairness was also an attachment.
I am a Falun Dafa practitioner. I should guide myself with the highest principle, Zhen-Shan-Ren. In his explanation of Yuan [a predestined relationship], the Teacher said, "We have also discovered that gratitude and grudges are likely to exist within a group of people because of such a relationship in which in a certain life time they have their gratitude and grudges, close relatives and friends, wives and children, and so on and so forth. One is treated well and the other is not; he wants to requite him, then these things may cause a group reincarnation in the next life" (Falun Dafa - Lectures in the United States). I thought that my predestined relationship with the family was possibly over and that now she had a predestined relationship with this family. My life path was arranged this way. Since I could not take care of and raise my child, why should I feel resentful when he called her mother?
One day at dusk last summer, I took my son to his father's factory. I saw her sitting outside with her hair in disarray. She was thin and pallid. I felt my sympathy for her. Was this the woman whose eyes I swore to dig out? Was this the woman whose skin I wanted to hire someone to peel off? Now she took great pains in attending my husband, managing the family, and taking care of the child to whom she did not give birth. My husband often beat her. She was really suffering. She had paid a lot for what she gained. However, what did she gain? A human life passes in a blink of an eye. "It has been said: 'when I come to this ordinary human society, it's just like checking into a hotel for a few days. Then I leave in a hurry.' Some people are just obsessed with this place and have forgotten their own homes." ("A Clear and Clean Mind" in Lecture Nine of Zhuan Falun). After coming to this human world, one gets lost, and neither knows why he or she is suffering, nor realizes that the purpose of a human life is to return to his or her true self. I really felt sorry for her! From the bottom of my heart, I could not help but feel gratitude to her. I should really thank her! It seemed that the conflicts I had with her had happened a long, long time ago.
Later, I asked my mother-in-law to tell my husband not to beat her anymore. One day at noon, I went to a day-care center to see my son. When I just stepped into the yard of the day-care, she also happened to come to see my child. I saw that she was very nervous and fearful, and she entered the day-care room in a hurry. Looking at me, my child did not speak. I calmly asked my child if he wanted to go home with her. He said he would, so I let her take my son away.
I reproved myself when I saw that she was so nervous and trying to avoid me. I must have not cultivated well; otherwise she would not be so afraid of seeing me. That evening, I passed by my ex-husband's factory. It happened that my son was playing outside. Our car stopped and I asked my son to get in the car. He was very happy seeing me and did not want to get out of the car, no matter what we said to him. The people in the car asked that woman to take my son away. Watching her step-by-step coming toward the car, I was very calm since I knew that this was another test for me, and I had to let go of this aspect of my attachment. So, telling my son, "You get out and go with this mom," I amiably handed him to her.
Watching my son and her going farther and farther away, I suddenly realized that this tribulation, which had seemed as high as a mountain in the past and beyond the limits of my forbearance, had become so tiny now that I could even pick it up with my two little fingers. It was just as the Teacher said in the Falun Dafa - Lecture in Sydney, "When you take each trial or each tribulation as a good opportunity for improvement and let go of it, you will be able to pass the test. Some people find their tribulations very big in cultivation practice, but actually they are not. The bigger you find them, the bigger they will become and the smaller you will become. Once you give them up, you will find that the tribulations have become smaller and you have become bigger. You will overcome them in one step, and the tribulations will become nothing. It is guaranteed to be this way."
At present, I feel very grateful to her. Without her, I would possibly still be indulging in the so-called cozy nest of ordinary people. Without her, how could I have really started on the path of cultivation and found my real home? Without her, how could I have let go of the sentiment of ordinary people, transformed my karma, and raised my xinxing? She has done all that I was supposed to do for the family. She looks tired in her face and miserable in her heart. Now, she has what she wants and so do I. However, she could never get what I have unless she cultivates herself. How could I not be compassionate to her and be grateful to her, my former enemy? Now, I deeply understand the meaning of "You cannot reach consummation if you can not love your enemy." [ad hoc translation by translator].
Looking back, my hatred toward her has been replaced by gratitude. It is Dafa that has changed all this. It is my cultivation in Dafa that makes me give up my resentment and sentiment, and replace them with the compassion of a Dafa practitioner. The mighty power of Budda Fa is reshaping every practitioner. As long as we are wholeheartedly cultivating, all hatred, sentiment and karma will disappear in the smelting furnace of Dafa.
Nowadays, whenever I see her or think of her, I wish from the bottom of my heart that she could cultivate Falun Dafa. I should help her get on the cultivation path and cultivate as I do! Dafa is changing and saving every cultivator including her and me. I hope that all kind-hearted people with a predestined relationship can enter the door of Falun Dafa and follow the Teacher back to their real homes.
July 9, 1999
Category: Improving Oneself
