(Clearwisdom.net) Revered and compassionate Master, friends and associates in Dafa, My name is Leo, I have been cultivating for just over three years. Everything appeared to be progressing well for me until some time back when I began to have serious problems and concluded I was stuck and remained at the same level for far too long. A cultivator friend, while on a visit to my home, confirmed this and strongly criticised me for harbouring amongst other things too many human mentalities. I accepted this as a possible cause of my problems, but deep inside I felt that it was something more fundamental and decided to spend a period of reflection of my past cultivation and contemplation of what I needed to do to get at the root of the problem. In other words I began to look hard into myself and asked Master to help me find a way forward.
While looking through my files I came across a letter from a practitioner dated August 2000, in which it says: The reason I am writing to you is to help a little with your cultivation. I have noticed from talking with you that you seem to hold on to your situation when it comes to doing work for Dafa. I hope that you will realise that any notion standing in the way of offering people salvation is a deviant notion. In my understanding it stems from selfishness. Also, when you wholeheartedly step forward to offer people this type of salvation, Master will treasure you even more than he does now.
I am sure you will agree that the writer of this letter displayed remarkable enlightenment and compassion. At that time I did not think so at all, in fact I was infuriated by the contents and felt it was a gross interference in my cultivation. Phrases like "holding on to your situation" "deviant notion" and "stems from selfishness" were like a red rag to a bull. But for some reason unknown to me I filed it away, and because of how I was feeling about it at the time I would normally have thrown it into the bin.
Of course I have to relate the antecedents to this letter to enable you to understand why it was written in the first place. The writer and other cultivators frequently asked me to join them in Hongfa on weekends and bank holidays. These requests were always flatly refused, accompanied by a tirade of excuses connected to my disability. The weather might be wet, there may be awkward steps, the accessibility of toilets, and would the accommodation be suitable and so on and so on. This same attitude prevailed when annual conferences came around. I could never join my cultivating comrade's because of the same old excuses. Travelling would be too arduous. Airports are not compatible with wheel-chairs. What about the accommodation? Would there be a lift? How about steep inclines? Would the climate be too hot or too cold? ... Negative after negative, the same old story over and over again. This was the attitude that sparked the use of the term "holding on to your situation".
From time to time different practitioners tried to give me hints to get me to join in group activities, but, to no avail, I was convinced in my own mind that they just did not understand what severe disability was like. How could I engage in group activities sitting in a wheel-chair? How could practitioners be so insensitive? As I read the letter over several times these frightening scenarios were be being re-enacted right in front of me. I instantly became aware that Master was helping me and that the most pernicious and deep-down fundamental attachment had me in its grip. I also became aware of how the evil beings in my own dimension would feed on such an attachment and how crucial it was for me to let go of it, and totally eliminate it, if I was to extricate myself from the consequences. On further reflection and again looking inward I began to realise that not only did I harbour a major attachment but in fact I was submerged into a disposition with a full-blown culture system supporting that disposition over a very long period of time.
What do I mean by a culture system? The facts will clearly illustrate. Before my second birthday I was stricken with Poliomyelitis the severity of which made it necessary for me to be removed from my home and family and for the next eighteen years I would be a patient in various hospitals managed by religious groups or nuns who were invariably skilled, some in nursing care and others as educators. My training for life based on Catholic teaching began early. The regime was very strict, beatings were regular, being in a state of fear had to be coped with, you soon learned that your every thought, word and deed would be programmed in a particular direction. In other words I was being prepared for life's journey with the stigma of disability at the forefront of all activities. That was the received wisdom of the time. I do not wish to go into further detail of the system that was rigorously enforced in my early childhood and into my late teens except to say that the period was crucial to my formation. By its very nature this system engendered a culture, which inexorably became a breeding ground for the development of deviant personality traits such as selfishness, emotional instability, jealousy, identity problems, fear, sentimentality and showing off. There were also the problems arising from parental deprivation and total lack of family consortium.
Deviant traits become notions, notions invariably become the components of a disposition, and this is how Master describes such a situation:
"Once a notion is formed, it can govern a person's life, dominate his mind and even his happiness, anger, grief and joy. It is something acquired. With the passage of time, it will dissolve in one's mind, in the real brain of one's own, and form one's disposition." (Buddha Nature, Zhuan Falun II).
Once an attachment manifests and a cultivator makes every effort to let go of it, then he/she is said to have improved. However, a disposition in which is buried several fundamental attachments is unlikely to manifest in the same manner because it becomes part of one's physiological structure making its presence possibly unknown to the carrier and therefore very difficult to identify and even more difficult to change. Master again in Buddha Nature in Zhuan Falun II writes:
"The formed notion will obstruct and govern your life. A human notion is usually selfish or even worse, so it will produce thought-Karma, and then man is also governed by the karma. Man is dominated by his Zhu Yuanshen (Chief Spirit). When your Chief Spirit slackens its vigilance and is replaced by the notions, it means you have surrendered unconditionally, and your life is controlled by those things."
My friends in Dafa I wondered where my excessive thought karma was coming from. It sprung from the evil beings that shaped and nurtured my disposition so as to prevent me from being saved. Merciful and Compassionate Master answered my plea for a way forward. By carrying out Master's advice to study more, clarify the truth and send forth righteous thoughts I believe I have triumphed over evil. Sending forth righteous thoughts was my most effective weapon. I was spurred on by Master's words "one righteous thought can subdue a hundred evils". I tried my best to produce righteous thoughts of quality and targeted the evil beings in my own dimension. I went out in the streets with my wife Bridget (and still do) to clarify the truth and distribute flyers, talking about and explaining Dafa to all who inquired. Attending the U.K. Fa in Edinburgh was a watershed for me. Our Chinese friend suggested it would be good for me and Bridget's cultivation to go and she would like to join us. The evil beings began to work on me again and the old doubts and negative attitudes surfaced once more. I fought off the evil and arrived in Edinburgh with some trepidation. I experienced my first taste of hostelling, but, when I got over the initial shock I began to enjoy the Spartan but adequate accommodation. My fears about lifts were soon scotched when six brave Chinese practitioners carried me and my wheel-chair up six flights of stone stairs and down again. The conference was absolutely wonderful. We met and talked with so many lovely people. I joined in every activity and now I have a clear view of how Dafa practitioners will always help you and after you have said goodbye you know you have moved forward in your cultivation because you have been the recipient of pure goodness and compassion.
Friends in Dafa, I have come through a difficult period in my cultivation but I must not be complacent. Evil beings and thought karma are formidable forces. Therefore I must be on the alert and not allow the evil to assail me to such an extent ever again. During this difficulty Master has endured a great deal for me. Out of billions and billions of beings and over the same amount of years he has waited for me so that I could attain this magnificent Falun Dafa. I will never, never, cease to be aware of my good fortune and feel that I am not worthy of Master's mercy and compassion for me. My sincerest gratitude to all my fellow Irish practitioners for their patience and compassion for me in particular the most kind and compassionate practitioner who sent me that very important letter, saving it was surely my good fortune. I will treasure it always. Thank You.
(Shared at the 2002 Ireland Experience Sharing Conference)
Category: Journeys of Cultivation
