(Clearwisdom.net)

Greetings Teacher, greetings fellow practitioners!

Whenever I think of Teacher's compassion, tears run down my face. I know that if there was no Teacher and Dafa, I would be caught up in ordinary human society, which we know has become worse and worse over the past years. When my strong attachment brought on conflicts with fellow practitioners, I wanted to stop cultivating. However, Teacher's compassion and fellow practitioners' of the Fa-rectification period responsibility to the Fa kept me from falling down. While letting go of my attachments, I recognized the depth of Buddha-nature. Teacher said,

Understanding the Fa helped me recognize why I was aggressive with fellow practitioners. I appreciate Teacher's arrangement for me without any omission. I could not recognize Teacher's hints for quite some time. But, when I improved, I realized that although letting go of attachments is difficult, it moved me towards indescribable glory. Now, I am deeply grateful to have accepted Teacher's arrangement.

During the past year, the persecution in our local area was very severe. Our coordinator was no longer there. I did not know many practitioners because I sat in front of the computer daily. Also, I could relate and talk to my coordinator, but became shy when talking to fellow practitioners. I used to become very excited and critical when talking to fellow practitioners. My greatest fear was showing off, or perhaps being in charge of a project. Teacher's help, practitioners' encouragement, and recognizing the responsibility of being a practitioner in the Fa-rectification period helped me improve. When practitioners talked about what the coordinator did, I fidgeted. To be honest, I never saw myself as a coordinator and didn't want such responsibility. I felt it to be too large in scope and much too important. I felt that my xinxing and abilities were not developed enough to accept such responsibility. Also, I held the hope that practitioners who left our local area would return when they heard about the persecution we suffered. But, when writing this article, I changed my mind, because I realized that I had been regarding myself as an everyday person. I understood that I had to let go of such selfish thoughts. I finally knew what I should do. I remembered Teacher's words,

I finally achieved righteous thoughts and was able to let go of selfishness. From then on, I cooperated with fellow practitioners and we encouraged each other to save people. It is just like a cloud that will never cover the entire sky -- everything can be changed because of practitioners' righteous thoughts.

Righteous Thoughts Led Me out of Depression and Loneliness

In the beginning of 2003, there were just a few practitioners in my local area who had stepped forward. One practitioner asked me if I would like to participate in clarifying the truth as one body. I was assigned to learn all there is about the Internet, such as browsing the Internet, printing, typesetting, and so on. I fully cooperated with two practitioners. Now, I still recall all the help they provided for me. Teacher's great compassion and practitioners' tolerance and trust helped me grow from a girl who cultivated reluctantly to a full-fledged practitioner.

At that time, we three practitioners cooperated very well. We decided to print the local truth-clarifying magazine and local sharing articles. The two local magazines and local sharing were accepted by all of our local practitioners after some discussions, even though we had argued extensively about this. The local magazines were mainly information from the Minghui/Clearwisdom website, so that more practitioners would hear about the local situation during the Fa rectification period. Furthermore, this helped us rescue our practitioners, clarify the truth and expose the evil. All in all, our sharing materials were based on problems in our local area. We chose some articles from the Minghui website to share with our practitioners. For example, a very bad phenomenon was that after a practitioner was arrested, he or she would disclose the identity of other practitioners. To change this situation, we held a local sharing four times. Our only topic was this problem. We also held a Fa conference so that we could share experiences with each other. Our sharing was based on the understanding of the Fa. From then on, the disclosure of names of other practitioners happened only rarely.

When we finally had more local practitioners come out and clarify the truth, which appeared to be great news, the practitioner who cooperated with me was arrested. Now, only two of us practitioners were left. Also, that year, my mother died due to illness. At the time, I had the task of printing Teacher's latest article immediately and the printer was broken. I rushed to repair the printer. When I finally arrived at my mother's home, she had already died. I remained calm when dealing with the funeral affairs. I returned to our material production site the next day. There were so few practitioners around. I was also pained by my mother's death, so I became lonely. The biggest issue was that on the human level, no one in my family could forgive my getting there too late. However, fellow practitioners reminded me that she already had obtained the Fa and so it would turn out well. There were still so many sentient beings that didn't know the truth and were waiting to be saved. This reminder by fellow practitioners helped me see my responsibility.

After my mother's death, I concentrated fully on my truth clarification projects. Truth clarification materials were needed, so I became very busy. Later, I realized that I was like a child following other adults to join in the fun. Because I didn't really understand the nature of cultivation, I was kept very busy, but my xinxing was not improving.

When I argued, I felt that I was never at fault. I failed to look within. Only when the conflict became too pronounced, did I realize that I was in the wrong. Actually, the truth was that I didn't study the Fa diligently, take the Fa as Teacher and cultivate by following the Fa. I believed that whatever the coordinator said would be based on the Fa, so I would cooperate. When there were problems, I could not understand the problems based on the Fa, and instead I relied on the coordinator. I thought that he should resolve the issue and that I did not have to think about it any further. Much that should be resolved by the group became his issues. Gradually, I relied on the coordinator for my cultivation. Actually, this put too much pressure on this practitioner. The question did not occur to me, "Did this reliance develop the coordinator's mentality of being above others and result in a mentality of being in charge?

Because of this attachment of relying on others and admiration developed through coordinating with each other, I never thought that the practitioner who worked with me for two years would leave our local area. After the other practitioner was arrested, we finally found a place to set up our work, and everything would work normally again. However, he proposed something that was hard for me to believe. I only thought about myself rather than considering the coordinator's pressure after the arrest of the other practitioner. Also, we had conflicts due to our different understandings of the Fa. I never foresaw this happening and I could not tolerate it. Being alone in the empty room, I felt fear for the first time. I had never been alone in the material production site. I understood that this was just the beginning. In fact, my experience had been so simple. I actually had not experienced any of the twists and turns that often come with a material production site. I had thought my mother's death was hard to handle, but I had other strong attachments lying in wait for me.

I wanted to leave that city with the excuse that "many places were in need of a technically knowledgeable person" and that I could clarify the truth anywhere. But if the coordinator and the technologist left, wouldn't saving people here more difficult? Moreover, haven't our local practitioners been persecuted? Teacher said,

The Fa reminded me. I sat on the floor and had a hard cry. A practitioner asked me, "What are your plans?" I said, "I'm going home to take a hard look at my options." He asked, "For how long? One month?" I thought that would be too long. Then he asked "One week?" I didn't reply because I still felt it was too long. I should not take so long to overcome these difficulties. He then asked "Two days?" I replied, "Give me two hours." He said, "You can actually come to grips in two minutes." Then, I really was able to get a grip on myself. At that moment, I felt that all sentient beings were happy for me because I didn't leave when there was trouble. From that day on, I told myself that once I recognized my attachment, I would ask for Teacher's help and then let go of it as fast as possible. I realized that otherwise I would delay to save sentient beings.

Other practitioners left also, but I stayed. There were so many problems to be resolved. This new environment brought many problems for my truth clarification work, and I became very depressed. Then, I contacted other coordinators that I had heard about, but never spoken to. Generally, I would wait for my coordinator to arrange for everything and then I would join in. Now, I had to deal with everything by myself. I contacted other practitioners and collected information, even when I was not familiar with the place I had to go to.

One time, I got lost on my way to a study group. I became very upset. I told a practitioner who I knew quite well that she was in a stable position now and also everything works well, so I need not participate here. Then, I heard otherwise and cried. This practitioner had problems at home and outside her home. Also this practitioner had conflicts with other practitioners. Actually, this practitioner needed time to come to grips with everything facing her. After that practitioner left, I was exhausted. Now, I was the only one left. There were so many articles on my desk and needed to be reviewed by practitioners. I felt as if I was suffocating. My health began to deteriorate. I could not eat and coughed up blood. I also became attached to the thought, "If something happens to me, nobody will find out, because I'm all alone. Because the situation was so tough, I recited Teacher's Fa with tears in my eyes (in Song Dynasty poetic form):

A Will That Ebbs Not

Surpassing time and space,
Fa-rectification dashes forward
Massive is the challenge,
but your will is firm
Unbridled are the wicked,
yet you keep your bearings
Purging evil as if but whisking dust away

My disciples,
walk straight the path of Dafa
May your radiance grace the human world,
as you transcend the Three Realms
Disciples of Fa,
be diligent, with a will that ebbs not
The countless years of hardship were all for this time"

During that difficult time, I asked myself, "Am I really cultivating? Why do I always cry like a child? Why can't I be like a Dafa practitioner on the path to godhood, and use righteous thought to face tough times? When can I transform my human nature into Buddha-nature? When can I think about other's trouble and pain instead of my own? When will my thoughts be only on saving my sentient beings?

Because of Teacher's Fa lectures, I finally really understood what cultivation is all about. An ordinary person looks for well-being and security, but a cultivator does not. In fact, we feel anxious because we can't let go of attachments. Isn't hardship very helpful to practitioners? Once I realized this, I gained righteous thoughts that allowed me to eliminate every difficulty.

I finally let go of depression because I knew practitioners who don't have skills and still keep clarifying the truth despite all the troubles and tough situations they face. I experienced what it meant to be alone. Also, I coordinated everything for the first time by myself. I taught other practitioners to print truth clarification materials. There were only a few practitioners clarifying the truth. Well, some practitioners were in the countryside, and it was difficult for them. Their homes were quite shabby. To prevent the cold from seeping into the house, they nailed plastic material, like a plastic canopy, all over. They were afraid that I was not comfortable in that place. They found a better place for me. While with them, it seemed as if I was teaching them new skills. Yet, I appreciated Teacher's compassion in showing me the tough living conditions of some practitioners. While saying our goodbyes, we shared and made suggestions. One of the deepest impressions I had from our visit was the fact they did not have enough to eat. Actually, their lack of sufficient necessities is also a part of the old forces' persecution. Can one have energy and still save people, even if one has not eaten enough?

Letting Go of the Attachments of Admiration and Mentality of Relying on Others. When Taking the Fa as Teacher, Everyone is a Coordinator

When I cooperated with practitioners, some said that I held the mentality of relying on the coordinator. I hadn't thought much about it, and neither did I judge it based on the Fa. I just denied it. But, I gradually recognized my attachment after something happened. I blindly admired a practitioner. Mainly, I held emotional ties to a practitioner and thought him to be perfect instead of taking the Fa as Teacher. When I saw fellow practitioners' weaknesses, I didn't silently harmonize with them but put greater pressure on or brought trouble to them. I even told them how to coordinate Dafa work. Actually, Teacher again let us know some Fa truths on this matter,

I gradually understood that if we cultivate diligently, Dafa's power would display itself to us. When I saw other practitioners do well, I could see that the Fa is great. I did not hold the thought -- if there were no Teacher or Dafa, nothing would exist. I would not admire someone. If practitioners did very well or the situation changed for the better in some areas, I would look at it with the thought, "Where have I not done well?" I tried to find my shortcomings. Isn't that competing with fellow practitioners?

In our local area, others also hold the mentality of admiring others. In particular, when some practitioners were found to have attachments, some practitioners would get upset and criticize others or argue, rather than look at the problem from the standpoint of the Fa. We are cultivating as humans. Before cultivation culminates, everyone has attachments that show up. We, as fellow practitioners, should face these problems. Such occasions also display our cultivation level.

When my coordinator left, I looked inside, "Did I harmonize with others? Did I consider everything from the one body?" On the contrary, I stepped aside from the one body and criticized the coordinator. Later, I realized that I had a serious problem. If there were more practitioners like me who rely on coordinators or criticize them, wouldn't this cause tribulations for the coordinator and the group? I also realized that we should first look within and examine ourselves. If everyone takes the one body as the most important, considers how to harmonize the one body, and searches within for how to resolve the issue, then every difficulty would be resolved. If, indeed, the coordinators have an attachment, we should tell them with compassion and based on the Fa. Then, I believe that they will accept willingly what we have to say. When I thought like this, I suddenly felt my body expand. Even my bicycle, which I was riding at the time, seemed to expand.

Teacher said,

Teacher's Fa helps me realize that everyone is a coordinator. The coordinator works more than others. I feel the coordinator is not an "officer," but simply a contact person. We consider them to be on a higher level because of our attachments. Do we understand the real meaning of coordinators?

Now, material production sites have sprung up everywhere. We search as to how we can assimilate as a particle of the one body. During good or bad times, we consider the one body and coordinate with each other well. Also, Dafa's power may display itself in the one body. This coordination is different than before. Before, several practitioners just worked together, and more practitioners clarified the truth together.

We only had a few material production sites and several coordinators could deal with any problems that arose. But, as there are more such places, coordinators had to rethink as to how to coordinate. Teacher's Fa said:

I understood the Fa and eliminated any attachment I held from interaction with other practitioners. I used to work with the computers and held no thought as to the relationship between the coordinator and myself, until the practitioner left and there was no one I could contact. I lost contact with other practitioners for several months. Practitioners I interacted with helped me realize that this was not the right situation. We hoped that we could harmonize with and help others by sharing with each other in a safe place. There was some disturbance during preparations, something we had not been exposed to before. This incident awakened us. We had to get together and break through what was holding us in its grasp. Finally, our local practitioners met three months after the coordinator had left. In the mean time, some of us went to other places to help rescue arrested practitioners and expose the facts of practitioners who were persecuted to death. Every time, we ran into interference. But, Teacher's Fa encouraged us to keep going. I remembered Teacher's Fa:

Place the Highest Priority on the Fa and Sentient Beings

I realized that everyone should be a coordinator after I gained a better understanding of the Fa. I began to contact fellow practitioners rather than continuing as before. As a new coordinator, everything was new and challenging. My inclination told me that I really should not be a coordinator. I used to observe coordinators' dilemmas during times of trouble. I thought if such trouble would happen to me, I would run away. This shows the truth about myself. I used to live in a very inclusive environment, holding on to my selfish character. I spoke very little, held a strong concept of self, was not compassionate and couldn't care less about other people's feelings. Could this kind of person coordinate?

I understand now that cultivation eliminates selfishness and that taking the Fa for guidance is the most important. At the end one has only one choice left. I always worried if I made the wrong choice, what then? I had reasoned out that the best for me would be to do computer work. Later, I realized that I was making conditions. Cultivators do what they have to do and what they are needed for. There are factors that one has to let go of through cultivation. I fear to accept responsibility, fear to expose my weakness, fear to be talked about, and fear to be criticized. All of the above have been made clear to me over the past few months. I'm fortunate that Teacher arranged for me to let go of all these attachments. I viewed coordination from an ordinary point of view -- a project, and nothing to worry about. But, I also saw it as too great of a task and was filled with thoughts of being rather important. Teacher looks at it differently and only cares about what is in our hearts. Therefore, I realized that whatever practitioners do is saving people from the bottom of their hearts.

I was still not clear about a lot of issues. I remembered that when a practitioner was arrested in another city, one of the practitioners in that city told me that it would benefit all to share with each other. I did not know them very well, so I was reluctant to join. But I knew that I should meet with them. I saw it as one of my responsibilities. How could I delay it? I decided to take that step and meet with these practitioners. When practitioners told me that they failed to contact everyone, I felt very relaxed. I thought that I could return home before midnight and I could get back to the computer and do "real" work. Suddenly, I felt great pain in my back. I could not cough. I knew that something was wrong. I was always healthy, so why did I suddenly have these illness symptoms? Then, it occurred to me that the evil found a loophole and was attacking me. I looked within and found the attachment of selfishness. I didn't place importance on the fact that our fellow practitioners were suffering persecution and that we needed to share and rescue the practitioners immediately. Once I realized that, I contacted the other practitioners to find the reason why we couldn't organize this experience sharing conference. Also, the practitioner who was contacting everyone needed my help and encouragement. However, my back continued to hurt severely.

Actually, before the other city's practitioners called for a sharing of experiences, I and a group of practitioners wanted to attend an experience sharing meeting in another city. At that time, my truth clarification workload was very heavy. I thought that I needed to finish everything first, and then consider if I really needed to go. Immediately, the evil had found a loophole to attack me. I still didn't look within. The evil's attack on me continued for several days. It finally occurred to me to look within and search for what was wrong. Yes, the first thought about attending the experience sharing meeting was righteous, but the second thought reflected my attachment, "What would others think? Wouldn't they assume I wanted to join their efforts?" We should do whatever helps us to better validate Dafa. Once I decided to attend that experience sharing meeting, my back no longer hurt. This was a wake-up call. I need to follow the Fa and look for what would be the best for helping sentient beings. I know now that one has to do what is needed to validate the Fa.

Studying the Fa and Cultivating Well Guarantees Successful Truth-clarification Efforts

Before the persecution started in 1999, I took part in a group study and practiced daily. But I didn't really understand what cultivating meant -- continuously letting go of attachments. Teacher said:

At that time, I didn't understand the requirements of the Fa. I didn't truly cultivate. Therefore, when the evil began to persecute Dafa, it found my attachments and attacked me. I detoured from the correct path. It took a long time to awaken me. Teacher still did not want to leave me behind. Practitioners always encouraged me and shared with me based on the Fa. When I finally was able to hold righteous thoughts, I joined the one body to clarify the truth. My awakening was due to practitioners' trust in me. Several months passed. I was busy with Dafa work at all times, but I did not let go of my sentiments. Therefore, I was persecuted by the evil again.

After being arrested and held at a detention center, I reviewed my cultivation path. I found that I hadn't studied the Fa diligently, and I hadn't cultivated my heart and changed myself from the inside out. Teacher said:

I clearly understood Teacher's Fa and realized that I should not accept the evil's persecution of me. Several days later, I was released from detention. I truly experienced Teacher's sacrifice and tremendous compassion. I appreciated that Teacher helped me return to freedom to save people. From that day on I always kept a tight watch on myself. Now, I understand that I must cultivate diligently and follow the Fa. If I don't study well, how can I deal with the problems based on the Fa? How can I be a cultivator? Teacher said:

But, I still had not let go of my selfish attachment. I subconsciously thought if I studied the Fa diligently, the evil would not persecute me. I understand now that I did not completely deny the old forces' arrangements. I began to study the Fa before I began with my Dafa work, no matter how busy I was. As my Dafa work increased, even though I studied the Fa daily, I cut corners. That's why I had conflicts with other practitioners when we coordinated Dafa work.

During the past years, practitioners I knew and some of whom I cooperated with were persecuted to different degrees. I felt so much pressure. I searched for the reasons why they were persecuted. Most of them did not study the Fa diligently. There were too many distractions. They did not cultivate according to the requirements of the Fa, did not let go of attachments, and gradually no longer cultivated. Master said:

This year, our coordinator moved to another city. Shortly after, a practitioner who worked with me very well died as a result of persecution. As a practitioner, I experienced so many tragedies. Every day, I heard of persecution cases and deaths due to the persecution. There were six of us in 1999. Four were persecuted to death, and one had to leave town. Now, only I was left. Of course, now there are more practitioners in our group. While under that pressure, I remembered Teacher's Fa:

Teacher strengthened my righteous thoughts. Under Teacher's guidance I can face all difficulties and overcome any trouble. I had the firm thought that the evil must fail.

Our fellow practitioners' death taught me a lesson. We experienced negative situations because there was something wrong in our environment. I used human attachments to look at the situation rather than find the weakness we harbored. I did not look within to find and correct my weakness. Why didn't I think rationally? The truth is that I, as well as my fellow practitioners, were "doing things," but not studying Fa diligently and cultivating ourselves. Once we forgot these necessities, didn't we develop inadequacies? We were diligent to clarify the truth and even forgot to eat and sleep. But, none of this is cultivation. Did we consciously concentrate on studying the Fa? Once we recognized our deficiency, we studied the Fa diligently and sent righteous thoughts together. We shared how to cultivate ourselves so we could deal with every conflict, how to let go of selfishness, strong notions, and how to cooperate well with others instead of discussing how to do things. As of now, our cultivation environment has and continues to improve. We now have a true cultivation environment.

I experienced more on the importance of studying Fa, because my righteous thoughts came from the Fa. All of our efforts had better results, because we were quite clear on the Fa. Teacher said:

I kept sharing with fellow practitioners on the importance of studying the Fa diligently and made them aware that it would affect our truth clarification efforts positively. I kept telling fellow practitioners that our efforts must be based on the Fa. I said that the words we use to clarify the truth must be based on the Fa. Only by studying the Fa can our saving sentient beings succeed. In the past, I used to study one lecture while doing some Dafa work with other practitioners. Most of the time, I didn't understand the Fa, so I didn't judge things based on the Fa. I am so fortunate to have been protected by Teacher. Suppose if we continued to be busy, just like ordinary people, what kind of result would we achieve? Actually, Teacher said:

I suffered because I didn't truly understand the Fa. I was in anguish. I tried to use ordinary people's methods to solve my problems, such as sharing with practitioners. But, as I wrote this article, I became clearer - I have to study without any distraction.

I rushed to resolve some problems. I understand now if we keep studying the Fa diligently and assimilate into the Fa without attachments that come from selfishness, the Fa will guide us. At this moment, I am truly happy to be immersed in the Fa.

I wrote my article about my cultivation this year. I have included lessons learned from my tribulations. If you find anything inappropriate, please point it out with compassion.

(To be continued)