(Clearwisdom.net)
Recently I found that many of my attachments came from my fundamental attachment of "self." This selfish "self" is the same as the nature of the old forces. It wants to do what I want to do, get what I want to get, and does not want me to change. It makes me insist on my own opinion. It makes me become angry whenever someone disagrees with me and influences what I want to do. I fully recognize that this fundamental attachment is the most detrimental weakness for a life originating from the old cosmos in his cultivation during the Fa-rectification period. It is a most difficult attachment for him to get rid of.
This attachment can manifest itself in different ways. In the beginning, it shows up in one's attention to self-interests. Gradually it shows up stubbornly in a way hidden within Fa.
This year the company I used to work for organized a field trip for retired employees. I thought that this was a good opportunity to tell the facts of Falun Gong to my former colleagues. Because no one could take care of my two-year-old grandson, I brought him along. During the field trip, all I did was to take care of the child and ended up telling the facts to no one and doing nothing related to Dafa. I was exhausted and had wasted a whole day. The more I thought about it after I got home, the more upset I became. I felt tired and nothing could cheer me up.
That night I could not sleep because of the attachment in my mind. I wondered exactly what was bothering me so much. The fact that I was upset because I did not do any Fa-rectification work appeared to indicate that I was very devoted to the Fa. But I knew in my mind that I was upset because I felt that "I" did not do "my important work" and that "I" had wasted my time and effort. Although hardships are good things for a practitioner, I was truly upset that "I" did not do my important work and did not accomplish what "I" wanted to do. This was the true reason why I was upset and frustrated. It was "my desire" that controlled my emotions. On the surface I was for Dafa. In reality it was because it touched upon my attachment of wanting to accomplish something. Exactly because of such strong attachments, the old forces got hold of my loophole and spoiled this opportunity to tell the facts to people and save sentient beings. But Teacher is benevolent. He changes everything into a good thing. He used this opportunity to expose my fundamental attachment and let me see my deeply hidden nature of selfishness in order for me to try to truly get rid of it.
Another time, I dreamed that my little grandson did not want to walk. Afraid that we might miss the bus, I got upset. I walked ahead without paying attention to him. When I got to the bus station, the bus had not arrived yet and people were still waiting, but my grandson was nowhere to be seen. I rushed back to look for him but could not find him. I felt the seriousness of the matter, yelled in panic, and woke up. At this time, I remembered something Teacher had said about a cultivator whose Cultivated Infant was already very large, but, because she could not maintain her xinxing, the Cultivated Infant dissolved, just like what happens in a miscarriage.
I realized immediately that Teacher was giving me a hint. I felt in my dream that my grandson was delaying me and negatively affecting my interests. It actually hinted that I did not cultivate myself in my daily life. I did not have benevolence. I was not tolerant. and I always complained about others. These all came from my fundamental attachment of "selfishness." Indeed, it is like what Teacher said. It is like a wall, a huge mountain, a big lock that cannot be opened. It blocks my path of cultivation. If I do not recognize it and get rid of it, it will take different forms to interfere with me.
The selfishness can show up in another way. Every time I read in Zhuan Falun "... that's his Buddha Status, and without it he can't complete his cultivation." I thought, "I do not have Buddha Status. What shall I do?" What I was concerned about was still "my" Buddha Status and consummation. When I once again tried to get rid of my fundamental attachments, I no longer felt any stress. It was Teacher who has saved me from the pit of hell. As an individual I no longer suffer the physical or mental pains of a human being. My heart is much clearer, and my realm is more elevated. Being able to follow Teacher to rectify the Fa as a disciple of the Fa-rectification period and to cultivate and cleanse myself under Teacher's care, I am the luckiest being of all. Being able to do all I can to help Teacher rectify the Fa and save sentient beings is my highest honor. With everything I have received I would still never be able to repay Teacher. All I can do is to do my best. I do not need to be concerned about reaching consummation. That is Teacher's arrangement. Of course, as a practitioner, one has to have the desire to reach consummation. In the meantime one has to have a steadfast belief and do well in everything that Teacher has arranged for us to do.
The above is my understanding at this level. Please point out any deficiencies if you see them.
