(Clearwisdom.net) Recently I was not in a proper state of mind. Although I still studied the Fa, read Minghui (Chinese version of Clearwisdom.net website) articles and did truth-clarification work, I felt there was a wall separating me from the Fa and from the process of Fa-rectification, as well as preventing me from melting into the Fa. Recently, experience-sharing articles published in Minghui Weekly were about practitioners finding their fundamental attachments. They helped me a lot. In the past I had tried to find my fundamental attachments. Before I learned Falun Dafa I always thought that I had let go of these attachments, including being attached to my health and wishing to have better health, becoming upset that my feelings had been hurt, and finding that life did not always turn out as I wished,
A few days ago I read Lecture Three of Zhuan Falun, "Reverse Cultivation and Gong Borrowing,"
"If someone said something bad about her, she would be upset. This person's attachments to fame and self-interest were all developed. She considered herself better than others and extraordinary."
I suddenly understood my fundamental attachment to living a good, happy, and comfortable life. In the past, all the attachments I had found were branches and leaves and I had not touched the material of emotion and selfishness. Therefore, in the process of my cultivation I just kept tripping over myself as I went forward, stumbling and falling time after time. I brought shame to Dafa, hurt fellow practitioners and also suffered great losses for myself. In many cases I failed to truly play a role in validating the Fa. It was just like what Teacher had described about practitioners who were doing well at one time and not doing well at another. Owing to his great mercy, Teacher has not abandoned me.
I began practicing Falun Gong in July 1997. I was born in a poor but warm family. My parents are compassionate and kind. I had always obeyed my parents and studied very hard. At that time my goal was to leave the countryside. Later I passed the entrance exam and was admitted to a technical secondary school. After graduation I was assigned to work in an administrative department. At that time I was 22 years old and married with a son. My husband was very kind to me and my in-laws also treated me very well. My life was getting better with each passing day. I had no worries at all. Because my life was too smooth and my husband doted on me, I did something unfaithful to him. He went to my workplace and made a big fuss about it and later my in-laws all knew it.
I had very strong self-esteem ever since I was a child and grew up being praised all the time. I felt as if the sky had collapsed. Since the pillar of my life had been taken away, I thought of death and felt that it was too shameful for me to live in this world. My self-esteem had been greatly hurt so I had no joy at all in my life, and I lived cautiously. I liked to do exercises even when I was a child, so I began to practice Qigong in order to divert my attention. Later I studied future-reading (by face, palm lines, etc.) and fortune telling. Thereafter I began to read the sutras from Buddhism and some stories on karmic relationships. I took some comfort in it and found a new pillar in my life.
I wanted to cultivate. Under these circumstances, I learned Falun Dafa. During the personal cultivation period I was very diligent and everything went smoothly. I enthusiastically helped other practitioners in their cultivation. Teacher said that however much a cultivator puts forth in cultivation, that much he will gain when he reaches Consummation. Plus, Falun Gong is a pure land: everyone cultivates compassion and looks inside when problems arise. No one would be interested in other people's past rubbish nor would someone expose your past shortcomings. What's more we were all from different workplaces. I felt extremely comfortable at the time. It actually gave me a whole new life and I found new hope. With tempering in Dafa, a lot of desires and attachments on the surface were eliminated and I came to understand a lot of Fa principles. My health improved and family life was harmonious. Later I convinced my husband to come and practice Falun Gong. However, the selfish me, the me that was attached to human fame and gain had not been touched at all. My fundamental attachment was actually concealed.
Teacher asked us to assimilate to the characteristic or the law of the universe, "Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance" and to attain the righteous enlightenment of selflessness and altruism. So from now on, whatever you do or whatever you say, you must consider others first. However, before I learned to practice Falun Gong I pursued personal happiness. When I suffered a setback I thought I was unhappy. I took the cultivation of Dafa as my haven and also hoped to gain more happiness in Dafa, to become an immortal. That was the filthy me, the greedy me. I tried to use Dafa to protect what I had wanted. What's the difference between my intentions and those of the old forces? I was totally based on selfishness and egotism, which are the basic characteristics of the old universe. How could I move forward when this fundamental issue had not been changed or was still concealed?
No wonder every time I read the section "Loss and Gain" I always felt I was separated by a layer of thin fog. My mother-in-law said I was ugly in the presence of my sister-in-law. I just could not dismiss it from my mind and I thought to myself "Why is my mother-in-law so rude?"
Because I left stains in my cultivation, I was ashamed to raise my head before other practitioners. When I found other practitioners' attachments I would not tell them because I thought that since I myself did not do well, how could I talk about other people's shortcomings. When I had some gain in human society I felt very glad and if someone took advantage of me I would really take it to heart. I liked to hear words of praise and if someone said something bad about me I would feel uncomfortable for quite a long period of time. I would always bear them grudges, seldom thinking about others. For a long period of time, since my fundamental attachment was still there my desire to be happy and comfortable was not touched. Now I have enlightened to the fact that Teacher arranged all these opportunities for me to improve myself and hinted that I should let go of my fundamental attachments. However, I pushed away the conflicts again and again. Teacher said,
"...a lot of these cases often take place when people regard their suffering in life as being unfair. Many people drop down this way." (Zhuan Falun)
Owing to my activities in Fa-rectification, my workplace lowered my salary and took away my bonuses. They said that it was meant to make me think less about Falun Gong. They also constantly transferred me from one post to another. I resented them and treated their actions as persecution. I failed to understand that this happened to me because I had loopholes. Because I did not let go of my fundamental attachment, the old forces took advantage of those loopholes to persecute me.
In July 1999, when the persecution of Falun Gong first started, I persisted in righteous beliefs and I knew I must safeguard Dafa. However, during the real tests, I failed in many cases to really validate the Fa, which left stains. It's like what a fellow practitioner said in an article, "However, when these practitioners face major issues they would suffer misfortune due to their fundamental attachments and encounter various interference, and some even enlightened along an evil path." What Teacher taught us on many occasions are various depths of truth.
"What everyday people want is personal gain and how to live well and comfortably. Our practitioners are not this way, but exactly the opposite." (Lecture Four from Zhuan Falun)
"When humans go through hardship and suffer it is so that they may pay off karma and thereby have happiness in the future. A cultivator thus needs to cultivate by correct and upright truths. Going through hardship and suffering is an outstanding opportunity to remove karma, be cleansed of sin, purify the body, elevate your plane of thought, and rise in level--it's an extraordinarily good thing. This is a correct and upright Fa-truth. But as cultivation is lived out, when the suffering bears down on you and conflicts come up that hit upon the deepest part of you--and especially when it rattles the rigid notions you have--the test is really hard to pass. It can even be to the point that you know full well it's a test but still can't let go of your attachments." ("The Closer to the End, the More Diligent You Should Be")
Since I could not let go of egoism and fame and gain, I could not untie the bundle I brought with me when I first started practicing Falun Gong. Therefore it affected the results of my validating the Fa and clarifying the truth. At the same time it became the fundamental cause of the persecution against me by the old forces.
Cultivation is a very serious matter and Dafa directly targets one's mind, especially when we are at the last of the last stage of Fa-rectification. We must validate the Fa even more wisely to save sentient beings in large numbers. Teacher said,
"Can you bring to heaven the things deep down inside that you cannot let go of?" ("True Cultivation" from Essentials for Further Advancement)
Therefore my fundamental attachment hindered me from being diligent and from doing the three things, and left me in a depressed state. At last I found my own fundamental attachment. Teacher said,
"After cultivating for a period of time, are your thoughts still the same? Are you continuing on the path because of those human attachments? If so, you cannot be counted as my disciple. It means that you haven't gotten rid of your fundamental attachments and that you are unable to understand the Fa from the Fa." ("Towards Consummation" from Essentials for Further Advancement II)
It would be a very serious problem if I were unable to let go of my fundamental attachment. When I realized this it really gave me a start. Now I have a feeling of starting all over again as if I had never cultivated before.
I had a lot of interference arose when I decided to write this article. Actually I tried it a few times. After I finished the article at midnight yesterday I had a dream in which I saw piles of dirt scatter and disappear. It was just like Teacher said,
"Once you upgrade your xinxing, your body will undergo a great change. Upon xinxing improvement, the matter in your body is guaranteed to transform. What kind of changes will take place? You will give up those bad things that you are attached to." ("Lecture One" from Zhuan Falun)
Thanks to Teacher's merciful hint I can only be more diligent, and be worthy of esteemed Master's merciful salvation, as well as the title of a Fa-rectification period Dafa disciple.
The above is only my personal understanding. If there are any mistakes, I ask fellow practitioners to compassionately point them out to me. Heshi!