(Clearwisdom.net)

Yesterday, an elderly fellow practitioner in my city passed away. I witnessed the whole process of her tribulation of sickness karma. Having lived through this painful experience, I have much enlightenment to share with my fellow practitioners.

When I saw this practitioner for the first time, she was limping along the street to distribute truth clarification materials. A big swelling in her leg almost crippled her. She told me that she had followed her daughter's suggestion and had gone to see a doctor, who said that nothing could be done except an amputation, from which she came to understand that she had failed to believe in Dafa and Teacher firmly enough.

Many practitioners cared for her greatly. They exchanged cultivation experiences, studied the Fa with her, pointed out her attachments, and sent forth righteous thoughts for her. Nevertheless, her condition worsened day by day. She went from being able to walk by herself to being unable to support herself standing. Finally, she became bedridden and others needed to care for her. Yet, she continued to study the Fa in bed and sometimes did the meditation exercises. She had said to me, "I can sense the strong righteous thought in myself, but why am I deteriorating day by day? I want to get up and introduce Dafa to people with you." Seeing her struggling with this tribulation, I encouraged her to trust Teacher, but I was not sure whether she would recover. She became thinner and weaker day by day, but all I could do was send forth righteous thoughts for her. When I talked with her, I could sense that she was a person of strong character, yet she had an attachment that was as formidable as granite. She said to me, "Every fellow practitioner tells me to uphold strong righteous thoughts, but you cannot understand me unless you are in my situation." She kept asking me what righteous thoughts actually were. I simply replied, "It is your belief in Dafa and Teacher." I only recently left China, so I understand very well the meaning of righteous thoughts in tribulations that she mentioned. When we talk about righteous thoughts in China, our mindset could be completely different from when we are abroad. The difference is imperceivable for those who have never had such experiences. It is just like the difference between a healthy person and a person suffering from tribulations of sickness karma. It is much more difficult to uphold righteous thoughts when one is suffering from painstaking tribulations.

Teacher taught that "a good or bad outcome comes from one thought" in the Fourth Lecture of Zhuan Falun. Now when I read this part of the Fa, I cannot hold back my tears. My fellow practitioner has already passed away and nothing can be done now to reverse what happened, but we should take it as a painful lesson. Teacher has taught this most clearly in Zhuan Falun. What are righteous thoughts? The first thought that arises at the instant a person is hit by a car and thrown more than 10 meters is the most important. I have read this more than 100 times and recited it four times, but I still failed to truly comprehend it. I study the Fa every day, but I did not regard Teacher's words as Fa. Instead, my mind was still occupied by the human notions that have come into being in the last few thousands of years. I have told my fellow practitioners to study the Fa more, but I failed to improve myself, to genuinely understand the Fa. What I felt then was helplessness. Seeing her attachment, I just wondered why it was so difficult for her to get rid of it. Thinking back on this, I came to understand that this did not happen accidentally, as I started to see the granite of attachment in myself. It was just like a routine for me to go to see her and sometimes I even became impatient. In what sense should I talk about saving sentient beings now that my xinxing is so bad? One day she said to me, "I know that you are very busy saving sentient beings, and I am such a burden holding you back." She was a Dafa practitioner. It is true that we save sentient beings, but aren't Dafa practitioners also important? Could it really have caused any delay in my saving sentient beings if I spared only an hour a week to read the Fa with her? Many practitioners often went to see her. Some brought her nice food, although they lived far away. I only bought things on the way when I sent to see her. Thinking about this, I am very regretful.

I have read many stories that happened in the 5,000 years of Chinese history. People in ancient times might have done much better than I did. They would serve a lady begging in the street as their parent, while I, as a cultivator, had such bad xinxing. I realized that I was not cultivating at all. Instead, I was occupied by the attachment of pursuit, which is exhausting. When I went to see her, I did not exchange my understandings about the Fa with her. Instead, I only talked with her about everyday things. Why didn't I tell her, "You cannot just stay in bed, you must stand up. You are not a patient." Step by step, she was overwhelmed by the sickness karma, until she finally lost her life. I came to understand that this happened because we all acknowledged it. She also acknowledged it when she stopped doing the Falun Gong exercises and stayed in bed because of her pain. Every practitioner, more or less, has his or her attachments and karma. Everyone has to walk his or her own path in cultivation without any reference. Some practitioners double crossed their legs as usual, even though their legs were broken by the police. They did it although it pained them greatly, because they did not acknowledge that their legs were broken. They did not resort to any plaster cast, and they broke through the tribulations with their strong righteous thoughts. Illusive as it is, the pain is really heartbreaking, and only those who break through it may transcend from a human to a divine state.

From this practitioner's death, I also saw my attachment that was hidden deeply: I am always afraid of being commented upon by others. Actually, for three years I have suffered from sickness karma that makes my nails gray, but I have never thought to resort to treatment. However, the sickness karma on the surface still makes me suffer, despite the fact that I am a cultivator. I do not dare to let others know this and try to avoid being seen or have others ask about it. I take it for granted that I have already found the source of the karma, so I regard it as normal. I can figure out a reason for it when I am asked, but I just acknowledge it and suffer from it passively. Saving face is even more important than my life. All sickness karma has the same root, although it can result in different pains and require different levels of tolerance. I just want others to think that I am cultivating well, and I am afraid that others may come to know my attachment. I figure out a high-sounding explanation for my sickness karma, but this is antithetical to the way of a cultivator. I always told myself that it was just a delusion, but I cannot hide my hands. The abnormality is always there, ugly, just like others' sickness karma that makes them suffer. Should I negate it completely or just suffer from it passively? When I looked inside myself, I found that I was cultivating only for myself and pursuing something stubbornly. Like a treasure hunter, I know that there are treasures somewhere and I have kept searching for them. However, when I failed to find them after many years of searching, I became so frustrated that I started to be skeptical about the existence of the treasures. In what sense could think that I was cultivating?

In the past, monks cultivated for a long time to save themselves. Compared to them, we try to improve ourselves into a divine status by cultivating in Dafa to meet the altruistic standard of the universe, and we are also validating the greatness of the Fa. I sense that I am still trapped in the principles of the old universe and need to shake them off and transcend them.

This elderly practitioner's death made me so sad that I could not help crying when I was taking the Metro with my husband. He asked me, "Why are you crying?" I was annoyed and said, "You ASK why I cry?" I know that I should cry for her failure to complete her cultivation and my failure to help her get through her tribulation. I am not being sad like a normal person. Teacher has told us about the brilliant end of Dafa practitioners. I should have nothing about which to be sad, but I should learn lessons from this. We should consider the problem from a high-level standpoint, not that of a normal person. If we are still cultivating for our own mighty virtue and consummation, we will not be worthy of the great title of Fa-Rectification Period Dafa Disciple, which will be a title of eternal glory in the new universe.