(Clearwisdom.net)
For a long time, I have been in a muddle while practicing meditation, with all kinds of different thoughts. I feel sleepy when I study the Fa in the morning and sometimes even muddled while sending forth righteous thoughts. In order to practice the meditation well, I changed my meditation time from 4 a.m. to noon time, right after I finish sending forth righteous thoughts. But this did not change my situation fundamentally. Between 8 a.m.-9 a.m. when I study the Fa, I keep eliminating the sleep demon. Sometimes when I practice meditation, I feel that there is a drowsy substance in my brain which I cannot eliminate. The effect of eliminating it while sending forth righteous thoughts is not good either. I felt that I could not improve enough to step out of my difficulties. Furthermore the thought karma of lust was putting up a last-ditch struggle. Although I had gotten rid of this dirty behavior in my life, the dirty substance was still there and could not be eliminated. I worried a lot. The Fa-Rectification process is nearing the end. I had fallen into such a mire and could not move forward diligently. Today I read an article written by an overseas practitioner discussing the fundamental point of cultivation, and it throughly opened my mind.
Having read the fellow practitioner's understanding, I concentrated my thoughts and looked deep within. I felt that the basic point is that I did not truly want to give this up from my heart and did not treat it as a test in my cultivation that I needed to pass. I stayed on the surface when I looked inward. I didn't have strong enough righteous thoughts. I was not resolute with my cultivation in Dafa, and was not determined to eliminate the attachment with my heart, let alone act righteously with God-like righteous thoughts. Such a big loophole did not capture my attention. Wasn't I being irresponsible to my own life? My selfish thoughts dominated, my human thoughts dominated. On the surface, I appeared numb and not willing to endure hardships, trying to enjoy ease and comfort. I was doing the three things without any sense of urgency or the mission of saving sentient beings. Our Master has exhausted His efforts for all the sentient begins in the universe, yet I am so careless even toward my own cultivation. What kind of being am I! How can I be responsible for the future universe and sentient beings?
I had a dream when I first attained the Fa. I was in a very saintly place, but I dropped from a very deep black hole. I kept falling until I dropped on the floor. There was another person next to me and I could not remember who he was. My first sentence after I dropped to the floor was "How dirty it is here!" Then I heard Master teaching the Fa right above me. I yelled: "I want to do exercises!" and then I woke up. I still have a clear memory of this after 13 years.
I definitely should not stay in such a dirty place. My original life is calling me. I should cherish the chance that comes only once in millions of years. I should cultivate from my heart and look inward. If I can just see things from the standpoint of the Fa and of saving sentient beings, all the difficulties will self-destruct and all the interference will disintegrate. Now I have a very clear thought. Besides sending forth righteous thoughts to eliminate those difficulties, I need to strengthen my main consciousness, study the Fa more and memorize the Fa more, use the Fa to rectify every single thought of mine. "When it is difficult to endure, you can endure it. When it's impossible to do, you can do it." An indestructible righteous thought arises from my heart. Now, my body and mind have changed a lot. I am sure that I will pass this test.
October 15th, 2008
