(Clearwisdom.net) In "Fa Teaching at the 2009 Greater New York International Fa Conference" Master talked about the Fa at the Final Judgment. Those who have played positive roles will also have to face a Judgment. This Fa deeply touched my mind, and I kept looking inside for the reason why this affected me so deeply.
As I wrote this article, I came to realize that this section of the Fa had deeply touched on my fundamental attachments, "the attachment to consummation, to my cultivation level and to myself." They stem from an intense selfishness, which I thought I had discarded. However, it was actually hidden in my mind so deeply that I, myself dared not to think about it and dared not touch it.
In March 1999, I started cultivating Falun Dafa. After July 20, 1999, when the persecution started, because I had not studied the Fa well, with a strong attachment to consummation, I went to Beijing to validate Dafa. I thought that it would be like what had happened during the "June 4th Massacre," that we would probably face a storm of bullets and I would probably die. Thinking that if I died, I would reach consummation, I thought to myself, "So be it. It will only be a short period of pain. Master has told us to let go of the attachment to life and death." After arriving in Beijing, I found it was not like what I had imagined. Uniformed and plainclothes police were everywhere, and they were arresting people. After going to several places, I went to Zunhua in Hebei Province, where I was arrested. A drunken policeman started slapping and punching my face violently. I cannot remember how many times I was hit. My face turned purple and blue and was swollen from the beating. Due to my intense fear, I compromised.
In 2000, I returned to the university to continue my studies. I read Master's new scriptures, and through studying the Fa, I came to realize that I had made mistakes. With several fellow practitioners who were also my schoolmates, I went to Beijing again. We were arrested at Tiananmen Square by personnel from the security section of the university and escorted back. We were then detained in the Siping Detention Center. Later, I was sent to the Heizuizi Forced Labor Camp in Changchun. I thought that I would be tortured there, but to my surprise, I was not. I was surrounded by all the "transformed" people who had given up practicing Falun Gong under force. I learned later that the labor camp didn't let us see any of the Falun Gong practitioners who had remained steadfast in their belief. In the labor camp, I thought that those people who had deviated from Dafa had come to an understanding of the principles at higher levels and thought that by giving up, I was eliminating my attachments to consummation, so I wrote the "three statements" and left a stain on my path of cultivation.
In the following several years, because I could not study the Fa, I gradually became separated from cultivation and fell down to the level of everyday people. I was even worse than the average person. Benevolent Master saw that I had not lost my original nature and arranged opportunities for me to return to cultivation. However, after returning to cultivation, in a comfortable environment, I was not diligent, just like Master mentioned,
"You have all seen that in today's society negative things abound, and they spur on people's attachments and affect their minds and souls, continually dragging the world's people downwards. It is terrifying. Dafa disciples are human cultivators, not gods that cultivate, and so as people who cultivate, they will be interfered with to some extent. If they cannot handle themselves well, then they are just like ordinary people; and when interfered with, their behavior will be much like that of ordinary people. Some students haven't encountered much in the way of ordeals and have gradually become lax. This means that they have formed attachments to the various temptations of ordinary society, and been dragged down by its lure." ("Fa Teaching at the 2009 Greater New York International Fa Conference")
Although, I was not diligent, I kept thinking, "Even though I didn't do as well as I should have, I should be going to a good place. Since I have been continuously cultivating, I shouldn't have to go to hell." When I read the paragraph of the Fa about the Final Judgment, I felt that Master was talking about me. How will I face this final judgment? Have I done my best? Have I upheld my righteous thoughts in the face of difficulties? How have I done in saving lives? I came for the Fa with great courage, under the eternal Buddha's graciousness, which this world had never experienced before, as a life to play a positive role. Can I say that I have completed the mission that I came here for? Nonetheless I still kept thinking about obtaining for myself, I didn't treasure sentient beings but instead kept thinking about my own Fruit Status and level. I felt so ashamed for my dirty selfishness. If the Fa-rectification really concluded today, I would have to go to hell. I had felt strange why recently, when in tranquility, I would see darkness in front of my eyes and layers and layers of darkness around me. I didn't know where my mistakes were. Now I have finally come to understand that it was caused by my intense attachment of pursuit.
Master taught us,
"There were also some critically ill people suffering from cancer or other deadly diseases who came to practice Falun Gong but died just the same. Why? While that person was paying lip service to practicing Falun Gong, his mind didn't let go of his illness whatsoever. Some people may think this way: 'He was quite keen on practicing. He told us about not taking medicine, and he also advised us to give up the attachment to illness. He even helped others learn the Fa.' But he didn't necessarily give it up himself--you don't know what was on his mind. This shows how complicated the matter is. He asked others to give up the attachment, knowing that Teacher could hear it. He wanted it to be heard by Teacher. To put it plainly, he was trying to deceive Teacher. His real intention was: 'Teacher will certainly take care of me for all these things I've done. I'm reading the books, performing the exercises, and telling others to cultivate, so Teacher will definitely eliminate my illness.' You see that on the surface he stopped taking medicine, said those words, and acted in accordance with my requirements for practice. In essence, however, he didn't truly meet the standard for a cultivator. He was still thinking, 'As long as I do this, Master will surely get rid of my illness.' He was still thinking like that. Did he root out his desire for Master to get rid of his illness? Wasn't that desire still embedded and concealed in his mind? In that case, wasn't he trying to deceive others as well as me? In fact, he was deceiving himself. In that case, how could he be cured of his illness? " ("Lecture at the First Conference in North America")
I have learned a lot through writing this article and have become clearer about the principles of the Fa. I want to truly do the "three things" well with a pure mentality without pursuit, and I want to be selfless, to consider others first, to discard my fundamental attachment and to discard my selfish mentalities. I hope that fellow practitioners don't go through this tortuous path as I did. Because of my limited understandings, I have many insufficiencies and I hope to discuss and exchange them with fellow practitioners. Heshi.