(Clearwisdom.net) I work in a government department. While cultivating over the past 15 years, I have used Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance to continually improve the way I do things. When facing tests related to fame, gain and emotion, no matter how hard they were, I was always able to demand of myself that I meet a cultivator's standard. With regard to forbearance, however, I did very poorly, and in some areas I didn't improve at all.
For example, when others attacked me for no reason, I had trouble facing it calmly, especially when it was done by people whose conduct was simply abominable. My boss often berated me with wild gestures and waving hands, declaring again and again that I was just her secretary. Whenever I heard those words, my heart filled with rage because I felt that I'm a university graduate, while she only completed junior high school—because of the persecution of Falun Gong, the Chinese Communist Party demoted me. When I tried to clarify the facts about Falun Gong to her, she not only refused to listen, but even said she would report me so she could get a reward. Because of these things, I started to resent her even more.
Facing this woman every day, I felt like I was boiling inside—it was a huge xinxing test. Sometimes I thought about requesting a transfer, but when I thought it over again, I realized that I am a Dafa practitioner and so should cultivate my character and rectify all that is not righteous in every situation. A poor environment is a good opportunity to improve my character, so how could I back away from that? I still work under her. In the past, we would sometimes bicker. When I heard the words that I felt uncomfortable with, I replied with aggravating words.
Sometimes I would search within and ask myself why I was unable to calmly face such depraved people. What was I afraid of losing? Amid the evil's most vicious year of persecution, 2001, I held tight to cultivation and distributed truth-clarification flyers. When facing illegal arrest or when police used work colleagues and my own relatives to pressure me to renounce Falun Gong, I was not moved. So I asked myself: What on earth is it that I can't let go of? I was determined to find it. It disturbed me for a long time and caused my cultivation to become mired in this one tribulation.
Then my mind became clear and I understood that it was definitely me who had the problem; otherwise, I would not have come across this conflict. But even when the Fa principles are clear, putting them into action is extremely hard, and it was a truly heart-wrenching experience for me. I ceaselessly studied the Fa and looked within. Eventually I found that I had a deep-rooted attitude of “I'm nobody's servant.” If you cut off my head, so be it, but I won't lower it; I couldn't endure this kind of humiliation. I don't know how long in history or how many lives it took to form such a strong attachment, but sometimes I felt that it was a barrier like solid granite. However, I also knew that it was not part of my true self, so I continued to work on it, deeper and deeper into the microcosm.
Compassionate Teacher kept giving me reminders. On many occasions, I clearly understood that it was Teacher creating opportunities for me to improve. But when that mentality arose, I still became hateful, competitive, jealous, and obstinate—and under the influence of these feelings I launched into a fiery argument. At those moments, I completely departed from the state of a cultivator. Afterward, I would regret it and scold myself over why I could not achieve forbearance. Again and again I told myself: I must cultivate myself well in this regard and truly “be able to 'not hit back when attacked, not talk back when insulted.'” (Zhuan Falun) In reality, however, I often failed to achieve this when the situation called for it.
I realized that these mentalities were extremely stubborn. Even if you want to get rid of them, it is very hard, because they were not created over one day or even just one lifetime, but over countless drawn-out years as we descended here. Through different worlds and time periods, these attachments gradually formed and strengthened. Teacher asked us to “Cultivate your xinxing without a moment’s pause.” (“Real Cultivation” in Hong Yin). If we weren't cultivating the universe's Great Law, we would be fundamentally unable to dig these notions out.
Forbearance isn't something you just talk about. It is something that has to truly be put into practice. Over the course of this conflict, there were numerous days where I would not utter a word to my colleagues, because I was too stirred up inside. I realized that these were all cases of those attachments having an effect. Each time I searched within, those mentalities would disturb me–I would become infuriated but control myself.
Now when facing these matters at work with my boss, no matter how angry she gets or how inflammatory her words get, I don't say anything back, but think of Teacher's Fa.
Teacher said:
“It's hard to endure, but you can endure it. It's hard to do, but you can do it.” (Zhuan Falun)
I am a cultivator, and my wisdom is broader than hers. This was the first time in my life that I did not utter a word in return when being reprimanded for no reason. It was a small matter, but for me it was the first step toward swallowing my anger. Before, it was very hard for me to take a step back during a conflict.
Today I realized why I had felt aloof and couldn't let that go and why I was not willing to submit willingly to her orders. It was because I was not taking myself as a cultivator. I was still competing with people over who was superior. The old forces grasped my attachment and used this depraved person to interfere with me. They were killing two birds with one stone–obstructing me from elevating and destroying sentient beings.
The story of Han Xin enduring the insult of crawling under a man's legs has been passed down for thousands of years. But Teacher requires of us an even higher standard.
Teacher said:
“Han Xin was an ordinary person, after all—we cultivators should be a lot better than him. Our goal is to reach a level beyond ordinary people, to forge ahead to even higher levels.” (Zhuan Falun)
When measuring myself with the standard of the Fa, I was so far from Teacher's requirements. I couldn't even endure a few unpleasant words from other people. I fundamentally hadn't cultivated forbearance, and even less could I speak of compassion. I felt really ashamed. If I were to come across something akin to the story of Han Xin, how would I behave? Would I be able to let go of life and death? If I'm unable to have a heart of great forbearance, how can I be counted as a cultivator?
The good thing is, today I finally defeated my attachment, controlled myself and was able to forbear. By ceaselessly studying the Fa and strengthening my righteous thoughts, I will gradually be able to achieve the standard of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance at different levels. Now that I have chosen the path of cultivation, I will definitely walk it to the end. I will cultivate myself well and do the three things well. Only then will I be able to fulfill my sacred vow!
Category: Improving Oneself
