(Clearwisdom.net) Surrounding the 60th anniversary celebrations of the People's Republic of China on October 1, 2009, the authorities in China stepped up their persecution of Falun Dafa practitioners. Several practitioners in our city, I among them, were arrested. Our homes were ransacked and some of us were sentenced to forced labor. Looking back on my eleven years of cultivation, I realized that my path was rocky and strewn with painful tribulations. A recent auto accident made for two disasters that forced me to look inwards and improve my cultivation.
I found the lack of compassion and understanding for my fellow practitioners to be my most serious problem, and the old forces persecuted me because of it.
Practitioner "A " and I started practicing together. We studied the Fa, did the exercise,s and spread the Fa together. She was persecuted since July 20, 1999, and was forced to leave home to go into hiding. Although times were very difficult, we still met to do the three things.
Master's Fa-rectification requires that Falun Dafa materials production sites should be everywhere. In our area, we wanted to learn Internet technology in order to work independently. We asked Practitioner A to put us in contact with some technically savvy practitioners whom she knew who could teach us. However, she was concerned about their safety, so she did not ask them to contact us. I complained about this because I thought that she was not basing her actions on the Fa. Then I thought that I had identified her shortcomings as jealousy and the attachment of showing off, and I said bad things about her.
I did not act in accordance with the Fa because of selfishness, and I did not deal correctly with fellow practitioners who held different opinions than mine. As a result, the old forces took advantages of the gaps between us and we had even more conflicts. I continued to harbor negative thoughts about Practitioner A that I could not let go. I could not even endure it when others mentioned her name. I got very angry and lost my temper. I sometimes thought I should talk to her directly, but I always ended up interrogating her instead. I was trying to trap her with my questions and I expected her to apologize.
Master said,
"your tone of voice, your kindheartedness, and your reasoning can change a person's heart" ("Clearheadedness" in Essential for Further Advancement).
Although I had read this many times, I did not follow Master's teachings. I did not look inwards. I totally forgot about my vows and my responsibilities as a Dafa disciple. Just like the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), I always thought that I alone must be right.
One day, I suddenly thought of the term "self-validation," and I understood that this was my problem. I was so happy that I had identified the root of my troubles that I burned some incense for Master and told Him about it. The next morning, as I was doing the sitting meditation, I felt that a knot was broken and that Master had solved my problem. I was very happy.
However, because I had not studied the Fa enough, I was not able to completely let go of the attachment and I was not able to look inward every time. After a while, the old problem with Practitioner A resurfaced. I had attachments to conflict, fighting, validating myself, hate, and wanting to be rewarded. Sometimes my attachments were so strong that they became obstacles on my cultivation path, but I was not enlightened. The old forces took advantage of this, which led to a loss for Dafa. This had negative effects on my family, on society, and on my ability to save sentient beings. It also had a negative impact on Practitioner A. She was being persecuted at the time and suffering big losses, but she kept strong righteous thoughts.
After I had an auto accident, I could no longer take care of myself. Practitioner A told her family that she would take care of me. I was so touched that I started to cry. Her mercy deeply touched me. I realized that I was wrong. I wanted to thank her and apologize for my incorrect behavior. I decided to be nice to her and help her. We would do the three things together well.
I came up with a list of reasons why I was persecuted: First, I did not focus on Fa study. Second, I did not look inwards. My attachments blocked me from improving and affected the way I did the three things. Third, I still harbored too many of the toxic elements that come from the CCP. I am not merciful towards fellow practitioners. I am not compassionate when problems arise. Instead, I thrive on conflict, and like to fight. I thought I was always noble and right. This affects my relationship with other practitioners and affects our coordination and improvement as one body. Fourth, I have a strong attachment to doing things. I was so eager to work on Dafa projects that I almost forgot about eating, drinking and sleeping, but I was doing things as an ordinary person. How to assimilate myself into the Fa and do the three things well is the most important.