(Clearwisdom.net) Protected by Teacher, I have gone through more than ten years of cultivation practice. In the past, I often stumbled on my cultivation path due to my shallow understanding of the Fa. I did not understand the true meaning of cultivation and did not know how to look within. I was always looking outward for explanations and used to think that other people were wrong or not good enough. The conflicts with my family became intense. When the persecution began, I was forced to leave my home for several years, because of my attachments to self, affection, and fear. During that period, I spent a lot of time studying the Fa and doing the three things.
In 2004, after I read an article called "The Story of Memorizing the Fa" by a fellow practitioner, I started to memorize Zhuan Falun. I gained tremendous benefits through memorizing the Fa: I was able to start to look within whenever I encountered problems or conflicts. As soon as I learned to truly look within, I thought to myself: "After so many years of cultivation practice, I am only starting to understand now." My entire family practices Falun Dafa. Although my family members are also my fellow practitioners, we still have intense disagreements. My husband had complained several times that the conflicts in a family of cultivators were even worse than those of ordinary families. Because I was not able to look within, I was always able to find some attachment in my husband, and I blamed him and complained about him. This did not solve any of our problems and even made them worse. He became angry whenever I complained about him. I even thought that I was a good Dafa practitioner because I did not divorce him although he was being selfish and had many shortcomings. I also thought that I was not moved or worried when he was angry at me, but in reality I was cold-blooded; I had no mercy or kindness in my heart.
After I started memorizing the Fa and looking inward, I became aware of my unkindness and sent righteous thoughts to clean out my own field. I understood that I did not pay attention to cultivating my character, and was using the Fa to measure the behavior of others but not my own. I was also jealous, liked to show off, was vain, felt insecure, and was opinionated and self-centered. I always felt that my husband was not treating me right, and I would yell at him at the top of my voice and lose my temper. When I realized that I had so many attachments, I broke into a cold sweat and had only one thought: "I will start practicing like a true practitioner; I will get rid of all my attachments." Sometimes I ask myself, how often have I read Zhuan Falun and why do I still refuse to look within? I used to study the Fa every day, but once I finished reading, I was no different from regular people. This was not good! Teacher taught in his Fa that when there is a conflict between two people, any bystander also needs to look within. This is even more true when we are one of the people in conflict! Through continued Fa study, I came to understand that, in the past, I only realized that the Fa was good, but did not know why. I had not yet understood how to practice Dafa cultivation. I still thought of fame, profit and affection, while I counted on Dafa to heal my health problems, and I did not truly and firmly cultivate myself.
Since I did not look within and cultivate, I had not improved and my understanding of the Fa was still superficial because I was cultivating Dafa with pursuit. However, because I did the three things as required, I was feeling great! When I shared experiences with fellow practitioners, I was acting as if I had something to teach them. Now I know that this came from my self-importance, a trait left over from the Communist culture.
Looking within was a painful process. Sometimes I found an attachment, but when I let go of it, I felt agony in my heart. When I could not find an attachment, or I was just doing it superficially, I did not feel anything. In the past, due to my own selfishness and because of communist indoctrination that teaches us to love struggle, whenever I met my husband's family from out of town, I was holding a strong grudge against them, causing constant conflicts with the family. In "Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Western U.S. Fa Conference," Teacher said:
"When the person who was hit feels no resentment or hatred while experiencing pain and settles what was done to him with a smile, isn't that compassion?"
When reading the words "settles what was done to him with a smile" I felt that they were intended for me and I relaxed immediately. A practitioner practices compassion and kindness and does not behave like an ordinary person. In "Teaching the Fa at the Meeting with Asia-Pacific Students," Teacher said:
"When both of you are cultivators you should each be considerate of one another, and with that how could you talk about divorce? Marriage should be something unbreakable."
When I read this,I came to understand why I was always trapped in family conflicts, I was too attached to myself. I then got rid of this attachment. Teacher also enlightened me through a dream. In my dream, I handed my two daughters money that belonged to someone else. The law of the universe says that everyone has to pay his or her own debts, and that this law cannot be violated. I may not owe any debts in this life, but may have owed debts in a previous life. Teacher arranges these things for practitioners and nothing happens to us at random. Paying back what I owe is also good for my own character improvement. This is a benefit that I did not realize before. I always felt tired and wronged, and got angry very often. Once I came to understand this principle and improved myself according to the Fa, I felt more peaceful and relaxed. I finally experienced the benefits of studying the Fa well and looking within.
I regard fellow practitioners as a mirror for myself. When we see a shortcoming in a fellow practitioner,we should look within, because it is likely that we have strong attachments. One day when I was working in a place away from my home with a fellow practitioner, I pointed out her shortcomings. She yelled at me in response. I did not safeguard my own xinxing well and yelled back at her. I then walked ahead and got hurt. I called out: "Teacher, I was wrong!" I apologized to the fellow practitioner on the next day. Sometimes I can safeguard my xinxing well, sometimes not. It is easier to keep control over myself with people outside of my family, but I do not do so well at home. This may be due to my emotional attachment to my family. If we can think of what Teacher says during conflicts, we will do well.
Among the Dafa practitioners of our family, we are now able to look within during difficult situations and we do not argue anymore. Teacher mentioned again and again in his different lectures to make improvements as soon as possible. Teacher's Fa-rectification is progressing very quickly, and we can only make it as practitioners by practicing diligently. Why are there conflicts? They all come from our own karma and all sorts of attachments. It is for us to improve whenever there is a conflict. As long as we treat ourselves according to the standards of Dafa in our daily life, we can go through the tribulations and solve these problems. Whenever we recognize an attachment or a human mentality, we should eradicate it through sending righteous thoughts immediately.
Through studying Teacher's lectures, I came to understand from where I came and what my mission is in life. I was predestined to validate the Fa, my sentient beings are waiting for my salvation, but I was fighting and attached to passing scenes in this world of delusion. After I came to understand this major principle, my attachments were a lot easier to eradicate, and after my attachments were gone, my mind became calm; my compassion and kindness started to emerge. After this, I was able to see the good character traits among fellow practitioners as well as in ordinary people, instead of their shortcomings. When I practice well, I can concentrate a lot better on Fa study and I am more composed when doing the Dafa exercises.
Written on March 30, 2010
