(Clearwisdom.net) I have been paying attention to how Dafa practitioners who once left cultivation and were mired in ordinary society returned to Dafa. However, I found that they only wrote a few words about it in passing, as if they only needed to do a bit more Fa-study and have a bit more sharing. There was hardly anything about how they rectified their thoughts in the process.

Maybe I have not read enough articles published on the Minghui website. For all these years after the persecution started, I was largely struggling along by myself. I realized that I had problems, and yet I could not pinpoint where exactly the problems were, and even though I wanted to be diligent, I got stuck more and more in the the big dye vat of everyday society.

For people like me who had separated themselves from Fa-rectification period cultivation for so many years, it is impossible to catch up through just one or two conversations with fellow practitioners.

A while ago, because my mother (also a practitioner) was experiencing serious sickness karma, I asked for help and came across a few very diligent practitioners. One of them continued to come to my place to help. He came to my home almost every evening for two months to send forth righteous thoughts. His selflessness had an impact on everyone in my family. (All my family members practice cultivation, but none of us was in the right state for Fa-rectification cultivation). Through Fa-study and sharing with fellow practitioners, as well as reading articles on the Minghui website, much of the confusion that had been bothering me for years started to clear, and I wanted to sort out the causes of the obstructions that had prevented me from returning to cultivation over the years, in the hope that I would return to my original environment and not make the same mistakes again.

1. The Foundation of Cultivation

When I first read Master’s article “Fa-rectification Period Dafa Disciples” while in a detention center, I could not understand what Master said,

“If you are still unclear about what a Fa-rectification disciple is, you won’t be able to step forward in the current tribulation, and you will be led by the human world’s pursuit of comfort to "enlighten" along an evil path.”

So many years have passed, and I still could not fully understand this sentence until not long ago when the Minghui website started to solicit articles with the theme, “Divine Occurrences in the Human World.” These articles have had a great impact on me.

Upon reflection, I found my major problem: My thoughts were still lingering within the boundaries of personal cultivation; my thoughts had not shifted from personal cultivation to Fa-rectification cultivation. Additionally, I was not very diligent in personal cultivation, either.

As I was not able to base my cultivation on the Fa-rectification, my cultivation went along with the arrangement of the old forces, with a focus on personal cultivation. Yet the old forces have a fundamental purpose to destroy Dafa disciples with destructive tests, and if one follows the way of personal cultivation and endlessly endures what the old forces have arranged, one would be dragged away from the Fa due to the attachment to comforts. I knew that abundant Fa-study could strengthen one’s righteous thoughts, but the old forces also spared no efforts in interfering with my Fa-study, causing trouble that would take away my time for Fa-study, so that I was busy with unnecessary things, and making me feel giddy when I studied the Fa. They made me feel tired and sleepy every day.

Tribulations created by the old forces came one after another, and I felt nothing was going smoothly, either in my personal life or at work. Sometimes, I had to spend much more time and energy than others to do the same job. I felt exhausted and annoyed. Even though my heart was still with the Fa, I had completely moved away from the state of cultivation. I was tied up with ordinary affairs and could not consider things from the basis of Fa-rectification cultivation, and it all became empty talk when it came to the point of negating the arrangements of the old forces. As I based things on myself, I thought that even though I was not doing well, at least I was better than those who had gone to the wrong side and helped do evil things. I did not want to be persecuted anymore and felt I could not endure anymore than I already had, while forgetting those miraculous incidents that I experienced under the protection of Master during the persecution.

Because my cultivation was not based properly, I was obsessed with personal gains and losses. I was often unwittingly concerned about whether I was cultivating well or not. I wanted to be diligent, but I felt depressed for not being able to be so.

Because I based things on myself, I often put “self-protection” first, and in my sub-consciousness, I was looking for ways that would suit my human attachments. Occasionally I would clarify the truth to others, but the results were largely not good. As a result I became more dispirited.

At last, I was able to access the Minghui website again, and I downloaded those specifically recommended readings. It turned out that as early as 2000 there were articles talking about the relationship between personal cultivation and Fa-rectification cultivation. Those articles condensed the cultivation experiences of those diligent Dafa disciples. I downloaded them all so that I could read them when I had time.

2. Lack of Confidence in My Cultivation

I could clearly see, in my own conduct after the persecution started, the gap between myself and those diligent practitioners. When facing the evil, because I did not have a clear understanding of the Fa principles, I just endured as much as I could. I could not deter the rampant arrogance of the evil at all. This also made me feel rather dispirited. After I came out of the detention center, I experienced various blows, either from my family or at work. In the end I felt as if I were good for nothing, let alone cultivation. Through sharing, I finally understood that all these were notions pushed into my mind by the old forces, making me feel “I was no good”, and even my sense of inferiority was meticulously arranged by the old forces. All these were not my true self.

One day, when a family member attacked me again, I said loudly, “The old forces can no longer achieve what they want by attacking me through your mouth. What you are saying does not count. I listen to my Master.” At that moment I felt that a heavy matter, which had been pressing on my heart was taken away. I experienced a feeling of happiness that I had not felt for a long time. I knew that Master had taken away the essential factor in other dimensions, but I still needed to let go of my habitual negative way of thinking in my cultivation. For example, I would often say that I had not cultivated well and treated believing in myself and believing in Master and the Fa as two separate things that had nothing to do with each other. I tended to enlarge interference and would easily give up when encountering difficulties. I hoped that someone would come and help me. I tended to rely on others and follow others instead of the Fa.

3. Unable to Let Go of Human Attachments When Studying the Fa

The reason that I lagged behind for ten years is because I still had many fundamental issues unresolved, and the most important of all was Fa-study.

All practitioners know that Fa-study is the foundation for cultivation, and we all hope that we can study the Fa well and have strong righteous thoughts. However, reading the book does not necessarily mean that one is truly studying the Fa. I recently came to understand that during my personal cultivation, I was like what Master said,

“They study Dafa in the same way that everyday people study theoretical writings, such as selecting relevant quotations from renowned people to examine their own conduct.” (from “Learning the Fa” in Essentials for Further Advancement)

I respect those who are articulate, but I did not understand how to solidly cultivate myself according to the Fa. After I came out of detention, I developed a pursuit-- studying the Fa as much as I could so that I could achieve supernormal changes via a shortcut. Because of this, I could not enlighten to the profundities of the Fa.

Another thing that we should remain vigilant against when studying the Fa is trying to find excuses in the Fa to relinquish our responsibility, and very often one does this unwittingly, which makes it all the more destructive. As long as one does not try to relinquish one’s own responsibility, one will not go astray and walk on an evil path, even though one may not have a clear understanding of the Fa principles.

4. Not Knowing How to Cultivate Solidly and How to Look Within, and Not Having a Strong Main Consciousness

I did not understand at all how to cultivate solidly in personal cultivation and thought that the reason I did not have many tribulations was because I did not have much karma. Also, because I did not start practicing Dafa due to illness, I found it hard to talk about how I improved through cultivation. Moreover, because of this, I could not explain clearly why Dafa is so good. I did not understand even basic things, such as what it means to not feel moved by everyday people’s mentality, until only recently.

In the past when I came across tribulations, I felt confused or insisted on my own understanding based on ordinary notions. Even if I thought of looking within, I could not find anything. Now I finally understand that I must step out of what is right or wrong on the superficial level and look within unconditionally. When I see good points in fellow practitioners, I know that’s where I need to catch up. When I see shortcomings in others, I feel I might have the same problems. When the other side is being unreasonable, I feel it could be caused by my own human attachments. When I treat fellow practitioners’ kindness with human attachments, I know I may fall into the trap set by the old forces.

I used to regard all my thoughts as me, and I felt miserable. My brain was like an machine, having all kinds of distracting thoughts. I found it very difficult to keep a calm mind, either when studying the Fa or doing the exercises. As a result, I did not want to study the Fa, and even less did I want to do the exercises. I did not understand that I must keep my main consciousness strong and differentiate between the true self and the false self, eliminate all interference, and maintain strong righteous thoughts. Now I understand that I must treat every single thought seriously and be more sensitive to human notions in my mind, and I must not allow the human mentality to control my righteous thoughts.

We must also keep our main consciousness strong in our cultivation of speech. I did not do well in this respect either, often saying things without thinking and making false judgments of others. I often complained about or criticized others and often used negative expressions or asked questions by way of retorting. So both my family members and fellow practitioners did not like to hear what I said. Now I understand that behind every sentence that I should not have said, there was a human attachment. I now realize there were indeed so many loopholes in my early cultivation, which I could not list here one by one.

Having experienced my mother’s untimely death, I further realized the seriousness of cultivation. Looking within is fundamental for Dafa practitioners in any circumstances. Doing things cannot replace cultivating oneself; the Fa's requirement for xinxing will never change, and we must reach that requirement. If we do not understand solid cultivation, we cannot improve our understanding of the Fa from a perceptual basis to a rational level, let alone elevate our xinxing. If we only do things without cultivating ourselves, we will be easily persecuted by the evil. If we only think about improving our xinxing without participating in saving sentient beings, we will drift away from the cultivation state of a Dafa disciple during the Fa-rectification period, and walk on a destructive path arranged by the old forces. Only by doing well the three things according to Master’s requirement and cultivating ourselves well at the same time, can we be diligent in the true sense and accomplish our mission as Dafa disciples.

I remember asking a fellow practitioner what my biggest problem was. He said I lacked firm belief in Master and Dafa in the face of life and death. At the beginning I doubted what he said and felt I did believe in Master and Dafa. Later I gradually understood that if I did have such a firm belief, I would not have encouraged my mom to go to the hospital for fear of being misunderstood by everyday people. If I had truly believed in Master and Dafa, I would not have felt that Master had abandoned me for years. If I had truly believed in Master and Dafa, I would not have felt lonely and even given myself up as hopeless.

Master said,

“But the righteous faith of a Dafa disciple is a Godly state. It results from a rational understanding of the truth, it's the Godly state of the side that's been successfully cultivated, and it's definitely not something that external elements can have an effect on. It's not about having firm belief for the sake of having firm belief, or being steadfast for the sake of being steadfast--you can't achieve it that way.” (“Teaching and Explaining the Fa at the Metropolitan New York Fa Conference”)

Practitioners firm belief in Master and Dafa comes from solid cultivation by letting go of human notions. The reason I did not hold a firm belief is because I lacked such a solid cultivation process in the Fa.

5. Too Many Party Culture Elements in My Mind

Before the persecution started, most of my life was spent in school, and I was a good student in the brainwashing education system imposed by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). I did not know how to think for myself. While in detention, my mind was fed a lot of poisonous information. After I came out, I had little access to truth-clarification materials, and I thought that it would be good if someone could clarify the facts to me. I could hardly clarify the facts to others, and I no longer had the state of mind of being righteous, open, and aboveboard. I could not even answer a question properly when everyday people asked me, let alone talk to others about the facts of the persecution of Falun Gong. Sometimes I even thought, “The principles in human society are the opposite, so it is quite normal that cultivators are not generally accepted in human society. Perhaps only a few individuals with good predestined relationships can accept the truth.”

I did not lay a good foundation in personal cultivation, and over the years, because I stayed away from the Fa, I watched a lot of TV and read many everyday people’s books and magazines. Think about it, when my mind was thinking the same way as most Chinese people who have been brainwashed by the CCP and when I myself did not know what a normal person should be like, how could I clarify the facts? Moreover, the atheist education I received since childhood was a big source of poison that was deeply hidden in my mind. Recently, I started to read some truth-clarification materials and feel very good, and my sense of confidence and assurance as a cultivator in human society has become stronger and stronger. I feel that even my human side also desperately needs to know the facts. When I saw photos of a group exercise, I immediately recalled the happiness I had when I first obtained the Fa.