(Clearwisdom.net) Only after having cultivated for many years have I learned to strictly discipline every one of my thoughts. When I was determined to measure my thoughts against Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance, and carefully catch those unrighteous thoughts, I found that I could dig out hidden attachments that I had never realized I had before. I would like to share one of my experiences.
I always felt angry if it appeared to me that somebody was trying to force me to do something. In doing Dafa projects, I knew I should follow the main coordinator's instructions. I don't have a problem with that, because it is my choice to do the project. But if it involves something beyond that, I often didn't accept it, as it seemed I was being forced to do something.
I participated in a Dafa project where the coordinator asked us to attend a staff meeting on a regular basis. One day he made a rule that every one of us had to share our recent cultivation experiences at the beginning of every meeting, and he started to call on us one by one, by name. My heart immediately swelled with anger. I thought to myself, “Dafa projects aren't cultivation, and there isn't room for any orders or commands in one's cultivation. Master didn't say that we must share our experiences at Fa conferences, and Fa conferences are held only once a year. I should be able to decide how I should cultivate and whether I want to share my experiences. Nobody should force me to share my experience. Forcing someone is CCP culture!” I was angry, but I couldn't do anything about it but think, “How can I avoid attending this meeting?”
But then I thought, “Being angry is not in line with Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance, and it is an incorrect state. I should search inside.” So I started to think of how Han Xin endured the humiliation of crawling between someone's legs. Was Han Xin willing to endure that humiliation? No. But he did not have any complaint or develop any hatred. Compared with what he dealt with, what I was encountering was truly nothing. I realized that my heart was too closed and that I should cultivate forbearance. As I thought like this, my heart calmed down. But after awhile, I became unhappy again. Then I tried to look at the matter from the coordinator's point of view. I thought, “Right, a good cultivation environment will help us work better. It is important that everyone participates often in experience sharing in order to form a good cultivation environment. It was out of his good intention that the coordinator asked us to share our experiences, and sharing experiences is also a good thing to do.” I realized that I should look at the big picture. Although I don't like to speak much, I can do it as long as I am willing to make some effort. As I thought this through, my heart calmed down again, but it did not last long. I became unhappy again from time to time, and I could not completely let go of that anger.
Why was I always opposed to the coordinator's requests, and why couldn't my heart remain calm? I thought about it carefully and I found where my problem was. I felt that cultivation could bring benefits to our work, but that cultivation was not work, and should not include any compulsory orders. I believed that my notion was correct and I held on to it. That was why I couldn't remain unmoved no matter how I viewed the matter.
What should be done then? On the one hand, I understood that being angry was not in line with Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. On the other hand, I regarded my notion as being correct and I held on to it. But that notion made me lose benevolence. What should I do?
Master always gave me a hint when I tried my best to look inside but could not find the root of a problem. Master gave me a hint again this time. I have so much appreciation for Master.
I was reading “Fa Teaching Given at the 2010 New York Fa Conference” in which Master said,
“Whoever is always nitpicking about this and that when you discuss things is delaying your work, and has problems.” (“Fa Teaching Given at the 2010 New York Fa Conference”)
I suddenly enlightened that I was the person who was nitpicking about this and that. I was focusing on the minor issues and hindering the progress of something important. Creating a good cultivation environment is a big thing. But because I felt that the coordinator was forcing me, I didn't want to cooperate, and I was hindering the progress of this big thing. Master also said,
“When you’re discussing things in meetings, whoever is always locking horns with others, questioning the soundness of people’s ideas, or not looking at the whole picture, which then causes the whole project to end up fruitless—that person has a problem.” (“Fa Teaching Given at the 2010 New York Fa Conference”)
I was the person who was locking horns with others. Although I did not cause the thing to end up fruitless, I had nonetheless been playing a negative role. I should not focus on where the coordinator did not do well while ignoring the more important issue.
I enlightened to the issue of righteous thoughts. When I was negatively thinking about how I could avoid attending the meeting, I wasn't handling things with righteous thoughts. My thinking was not in accordance with being responsible to the whole body. Instead, I was attached to my own notion. Being attached to myself and not looking at things from the perspective of the whole body reflected my lack of righteous thoughts.
I found the root of my problem. This time, my heart remained completely calm and the anger didn't return. I have since actively participated in experience sharing at every meeting and have also carefully listened to others' sharings. In the past when I had anger in my heart, I never listened carefully and never felt that I benefited from the sharing of others. Since I've been listening with a calm heart, even brief things that other practitioners share have helped me see where I need to improve. And to my surprise, my brief sharing also could benefit others. When I was sharing about how I searched for my problem, another practitioner offered a different viewpoint about the same issue, which was very helpful for me. I truly feel that when we can handle everything with righteous thoughts, “...everything out there would go extremely well, for sure.” (“Be More Diligent”)
