(Minghui.org) I started cultivation in 2000. Recently Master has repeatedly given me hints to focus on genuine cultivation. I’d like to share some of my recent experiences with fellow practitioners.
Master's “Stick Warning”
When I was young, I did well in school as a very motivated student In the 1980s I went overseas to pursue graduate studies. Many years later I gained the Fa, felt extremely fortunate and vowed to devote myself to help Master rectify the Fa. I’ve never allowed myself to slow down. Other than holding a job, I’ve spent almost all my time studying the Fa, sending forwards righteous thoughts and clarifying the truth. I considered myself diligent.
In the past few months I've showed signs of sickness karma several times. Every time it prompted me to put down whatever I was doing to look inward and read some experience sharing articles on Minghui. I started to have a hunch that I was doing the three things in a mechanical way. I’d calm down and focus myself for a day or two, find some of my attachments and get rid of them. Then I’d get back to par physically and also make some major breakthrough in my efforts to clarify the truth. However, as soon as my tribulation was gone, I became “business as usual” and put genuine cultivation on the back burner. It kept happening like that again and again.
Until one day, at work, I was robbed at gunpoint, and, of course, the police got involved. The moment when I faced the muzzle of the robber’s gun I was shocked, not because my life was in danger, but because I immediately realized that my own cultivation practice had serious problems! My heart was very heavy. Oddly enough, the robber suddenly seemed to find whole thing very boring, hastily grabbed a couple of items and ran off. He was caught by the police an hour later. Although my employer hardly suffered any loss, I was seriously in deep thought about my own problem. Prior to this incident, Master had tried to hint to me many times with physical tribulations, but I missed the warning signs, and couldn’t come to my senses. This time it was Master’s “stick warning”. I was so unaware that Master had to wake me up with a heavy hammer, so to speak.
I began to take a seriously hard look at myself, examining the history of my notions in my own cultivation from the beginning up to now-- not the things I had done, but the thoughts I had had. This process shocked me very much, scared me very much, and made me feel very grateful. To express myself better with a metaphor: after I gained the Fa I had a feeling as though I were a frog climbing out from the bottom of a well up onto the ground. “Ah! It turns out that the universe is like this!” Right now, I am once again like the frog that has climbed up to the ground from the bottom of a well, “Ouch! That’s what I’m really like!”
Never Overlook Cultivating the Heart, Never Look Outward When Feeling Uneasy
After I obtained the Fa, I understood a lot of the Fa's principles in Dafa through studying all of Master's lectures from the earliest to the latest. But, I only comprehended the Fa principles in Dafa in order to understand the universe and others, rather than stressing actual cultivation of myself. As a result, in my cultivation, a kind of attachment to being pretentious gradually formed, as I had not cleaned out my human attachments and the poisonous Party culture. Now that I think about it, I can see clearly every thought that was attached to self.
For example, when it comes to Buddhism having disappeared in India and how it was one of the important lessons in history, I thought, “If I had been born in India at that time, I definitely wouldn't have let that happen.” After Master's lecture to Australian practitioners was published on video, I thought, “If I were an Australian practitioner, I definitely wouldn't let Master worry so much.” This mindset, this mentality of mine, this supercilious sense of mission, was bordering on the state of “breeding demons in one's mind.” Therefore, as you can imagine, I was very observant and extremely sensitive to other practitioners' shortcomings, particularly, the coordinators’ shortcomings. I was good at analyzing them and often criticized them in writing with an arrogant and domineering attitude. I thought this was my responsibility. It turned out, my criticism and accusations not only caused individual practitioners great suffering, but also had a negative impact on the whole group. Afterwards through Fa study, I recognized that Dafa disciples do not improve from criticizing each other. I restrained myself and rarely criticized other practitioners. But, I was not even remotely aware that there were serious attachments behind my behavior.
Looking back, this mentality of mine was the manifestation of a strong attachment to "self" and the influence of the Party culture’s “anti-trend spirit” [or “spirit of going against the tide”]. When I searched deeper, I found I had jealousy hidden in my heart.
I always mistakenly thought that having been overseas for so many years, that set of evil Party things was far from me. In addition, in recent years, as I read the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party, quit the Party and kept clarifying the truth to people, I thought that Party culture had no influence on me anymore. I was wrong. The fact is that I grew up during the Cultural Revolution. Although over the years step-by-step I’ve gradually recognized the true nature of the CCP, certain parts of Party culture still resonate with my own attachments, such as the “anti-trend spirit.” This thing from Party culture has never actually been cleaned out. Actually, all the “anti-trend” people whom the CCP once advocated were motivated by jealousy and aggression. Unfortunately, this mentality caters to my desires for fame and vanity, and therefore it strengthened my attachments.
Among practitioners, I always felt that I had many years of education and many years of living abroad, so I therefore subconsciously considered myself superior and better than others. A practitioner wrote an article on Minghui in which he/she noticed how in the section “Jealousy” in Zhuan Falun, Master mentioned “felt uneasy” seven times (“bu ping heng”). It struck me, as I recall, in the past, every time when I criticized or accused fellow practitioners I felt uneasy, and even very upset. Later, although I rarely uttered my criticism anymore, I still very often felt uneasy and upset. Isn’t that jealousy? Sadly, I have been in a mode of self-deception, thinking: I have had everything and want nothing, how could I be jealous? I know now. When I consider myself better than others, see others as not pleasing to the eye and analyze others' shortcomings, there is jealousy in my heart. I was just not enlightened enough to see it.
Master said, “To tell you the truth, the entire cultivation process for a practitioner is one of constantly giving up human attachments.” (Zhuan Falun) I've studied and recited this sentence of Fa so many times, yet I have not followed it! I've continuously been dragging this baggage along with me. Once Master drops me a hint, I'll focus on genuine cultivation for one or two days. Upon seeing some improvement, I go back to the old way again. Year after year, how many opportunities for xinxing improvement have been wasted!
One Shouldn't Rely on Feelings, and Don't Validate Oneself
I realized that for 12 years, I have been relying on how I feel and on personal preferences to guide my cultivation.
Apart from participating in the projects of the one-body, since obtaining the Fa, I've done things independently to validate the Fa and clarify the truth, with some being somewhat more technical. In doing so, when my genuine cultivation fell behind all kinds of attachments developed. When I had some success, I became complacent and started counting how many truth-clarification materials I had produced and distributed, etc., feeling that I was saving sentient beings, feeling a sense of fulfillment. I could endure hunger and exhaustion to work long hours. I thought I was diligent. Was I cultivating my heart? It was so painful and saddening. I couldn't even see the sacred changes in other dimensions. So, if Master didn't given me any hints, I would be satisfied just to get through. I've now realized that the essence of cultivation is actually to cultivate the heart.
Only when we emphasize genuine cultivation, can we do better with truth clarification. I can now remember that every time I've made a big breakthrough in the area of truth clarification, it has always been me getting rid of a certain attachment after Master gave me a hint. I think that it's the restriction from the universe's characteristic, not allowing one with a substandard xinxing to succeed in doing such a big thing. Even so, I instinctively did not believe in Master and the Fa enough, and instinctively had more belief in the tangible objects in this dimension, thereby taking a lot of detours in my cultivation.
Pointing Out Attachments So That We Can Eliminate Them
In recalling all of the things that happened to me, one time, I could not stop sobbing. In order to wake me up and not have me fall behind, Master worried a lot. One hint followed by another. One time, unprecedentedly, I suffered flu symptoms twice, one week apart. I was a little confused, but still could not come to my senses. Not until being robbed at gunpoint– which shouldn’t happen to a cultivator but happened to me– did I wake up.
I realized I have too many attachments and lost too many opportunities to rid of them. I am determined to seize time to genuinely cultivate myself because if I can’t get rid of these attachments of mine, jealousy in particular, my cultivation would be for naught and I would fail. Not taking the initiative to genuinely cultivate myself, I could only amount to an ordinary person validating the Fa.
I have begun to set aside time to focus on genuine cultivation. One way is to cherish the precious cultivation environment Minghui provides. I realized that, in the past, the number of times I visited Minghui could serve as a barometer of the state of my cultivation. Now I visit Minghui several times a week. I download sharing articles that touch and relate to me and read or listen to them from time to time in an effort to seize my own attachments. I’ll do as Master said, “Our practice has a focus and truly points out those attachments. By abandoning them, one will make very rapid progress in cultivation.” (Zhuan Falun)
The above are my understandings at my own level. Please kindly point out anything inappropriate.
