(Minghui.org) Greetings, revered Master and fellow practitioners,
I have been actively involved in Fa validation projects with a media company founded by Dafa practitioners to clarify the truth, since it was established in 2001. I moved to the city where the company was headquartered in 2006. I would like to share with everyone my cultivation experiences over the past few years.
When I first moved to work with the media entity, I was involved primarily in promoting an annual event. Later, I was put in charge of another large project. I was not clear at the time about how to coordinate this project. The experiences shared by a Shen Yun coordinator at a Fa conference gave me a lot of inspiration. He said, “We are just like an arrow shot by Master. Our power comes from Master and the goal is decided by Master. Every one of us is part of this arrow. As long as we believe in the power given by Master and the goal he has set, we will reach our destination.”
I regard the coordinator of a project as the arrowhead. My responsibility is to make sure the parts of the arrow will remain unified so we will reach our goal. I spent a lot of time sharing with everyone. We held a meeting once a week, and there were no conflicts. However the jobs that I assigned seemed to make little progress. Everyone seemed to be a weak link in the project. I searched everywhere for help but nonetheless not many people wanted to be involved in the project. A practitioner said to me once, “You always emphasize how much work needs to be done. You should use your enthusiasm to encourage everyone to be more proactive.” His words stuck in my mind, and I thought deeply about how to coordinate better.
While planning the event, I went to Taiwan to see how the practitioners there were handling a similar project. I saw how well practitioners in Taiwan had organized every aspect of the project, down to the last detail. The project was a huge success. The practitioners who were involved cooperated very well. This made me think, “Why is it that practitioners in Taiwan could cooperate so well, yet I just can’t seem to bring everyone together?”
I realized that because I was born in China and had moved to the U.S. in my adult life, I had still not eliminated the influences of the Communist Party culture. I further fostered the independence and individualism in the Western environment. I was arrogant and impetuous. Taiwanese practitioners showed me what a true Chinese is. I saw the Chinese virtue of humility and self-discipline in them. I saw that a good coordinator should spur on his team members.
After I returned from Taiwan, I let go of all my worries. I stopped worrying as to how many practitioners would take part in the project. I also stopped focusing on how much work others were doing. I thought that even if I was the only one left on the project, I would still make it work. Even if this arrow is left with only its head, I will still make it reach its destination.
Many practitioners on our team held daytime jobs, and it was very difficult for them to put more time into the project. Therefore, I decided that since I had more time and could do things quickly, I would change the responsibility part. I thought, “You make the decisions and I'll simply implement them.” Every week I brought up issues for discussion, and after everyone decided on what was to be done, I executed it. I later discovered that after we had a meeting, things would proceed very smoothly for me. I knew this was because I was supported by the power of the whole team.
Before obtaining the Fa, I often had a dream, where I was in a very dirty room and it was very beautiful outside. The only way out of the room was through a small hole. However, I could not even squeeze through, as the hole was too small. This implied that if I could not see the scene outside I would not know that I was in such a dirty place and would not be so unhappy. Seeing such a beautiful scene appeared so real, yet I was stuck inside. This kind of experience causes extreme mental torture for a being.
This year, when the pressure from the project was the greatest and it was the most difficult time for me, I finally realized why I had this dream. I could not leave the room because I was too egotistic. I did not have the wisdom to humble myself. If I could turn myself into a tiny butterfly, then wouldn’t the hole become very big and I could immediately get out? From then on I often reminded myself that I am insignificant, and strived to take myself lightly.
Perhaps it was because I made progress in cultivation. Many practitioners subsequently came forward to help me. Many practitioners helped out quietly, covering every aspect of the project. There were so many practitioners who got involved that I lost count of the numbers. I knew on the day before the start of the actual event that more than 100 practitioners from our city planned to participate in the event the next day. I deeply felt that only Master’s Fa could bring so many practitioners together. There is no one else that could mobilize or coordinate this activity on their own.
The project went rather smoothly that year, and once it had come to a conclusion, the media company put me in charge of public relations as well as that same event. In the words of an ordinary person, I was highly regarded. At that time, I felt that the media company's development was not ideal because there weren’t many professionals devoting themselves full time to the organization. Therefore, the most important thing in my mind was to perform my work earnestly and professionally. But I neglected the cultivation aspect. I worked very hard daily.
However, because I had slacked off in cultivating my xinxing for a long time, I had to face all kinds of severe tests. The old forces make use of all human attachments that we have not eliminated and which have opened a lot of gaps. Through these gaps, causing conflicts among practitioners, the old forces hope to stop us from accomplishing our objectives. Yet I did had not cultivated myself solidly when facing these tests and failed to do well. This mainly came to light during conflicts between myself and two other coordinators.
I felt that disagreements with one of the coordinators, which had been going on for a long time, was affecting the efficiency of our department as well as our relationship. Furthermore, there were all kinds of rumors, which formed a bad environment. I wanted to change this unhealthy environment, but I was instantly bombarded with all sorts of pressure and was trapped in it. Consequently, I resented this coordinator for allowing issues to accumulate for so many years and affect our roles.
I was suspicious of another person in charge at the company. I’m not sure, but this may have been due to a predestined relationship. Previously, I often overheard negative remarks about this practitioner's personality, so I kept my distance, out of fear of getting on this practitioner's bad side. Subsequently, a few things happened and these seemed to confirm the truth of the negative remarks I had heard. As a result, I did not trust this practitioner. There were also conflicts between the two coordinators. I forgot to look within when caught in such complicated conflicts, and so I didn’t negate the old forces’ arrangements. Instead I was resentful for being thrust into such a complicated environment. All three of us were the main coordinators for some important projects that year. Due to mistrust, management of the projects was chaotic. At that time I simply persevered using my human capabilities.
However, cultivation cannot be solved using human means. After several hundred practitioners had put their time, effort, and money into the event, and it rained on the day of the event, we couldn’t deny that it had something to do with the overall cultivation state of our one body.
During the busiest time of the project, my mother suddenly was diagnosed with a rare heart disease and had to undergo surgery. I also neglected my duties in my everyday job and had to face criticism. My life and cultivation were in a mess.
I remembered that the old forces would not hesitate to destroy us, because they decided that we had to meet their so-called standards. But what was my problem? I read many practitioners’ sharings on the Minghui website, where they spoke about their fundamental attachments. I also thought about my fundamental attachment, but what was it? The year when I was trapped in all kinds of conflicts during the various projects, I found my fundamental attachment. I was a perfectionist and therefore my purpose for cultivating Dafa was to achieve perfection. On the surface I was very diligent, and could look within myself when I encountered problems, but this was for the sake of achieving what I regarded as perfection through cultivation. I was not assimilating to Dafa unconditionally. Isn’t this the same as using Dafa?
Although I found my fundamental attachment, it did not mean that the attachment disappeared. I had to eliminate it through true cultivation. However because I had been in the state of simply doing things for such a long time, I was no longer certain what it meant to be truly cultivating. I did not think of how to get rid of this fundamental attachment. When the project concluded, at a department meeting, I found courage to share with everyone my fundamental attachment. The coordinator said, “That’s right, it was because you were not in the right cultivation state that this year’s project was fraught with many problems. If you had been in a better state of mind, the project would have proceeded smoothly.” Another coordinator commented at the meeting that the project this year was successful in all aspects except for public relations. After hearing these comments, I was on the brink of collapse, and hit the lowest point in my cultivation.
I could not remain at the media entity any longer, and I felt that life was not worth living. I wanted to leave the company but I was reluctant to do so. If I remained however, I might not be able to find how to change my cultivation state in this environment that brought me so much heartache. As I struggled through these difficult times, I could feel that Master was constantly encouraging me. For example, if I could summon a bit of righteous thought and go to the media company, I was moved by the actions of every practitioner. As long as I had a bit of righteous thought to do something for the company, no matter how big or small it was, Master helped me to accomplish that job. However, in the end I still decided to leave the media project. I felt that I could change myself but I could not change the environment at the company.
Leaving the company was a painful decision, but my situation was worse after I left. After quitting, I went on a holiday to South America with my family, who are non-practitioners. Every morning as soon as I opened my eyes, I could not wait to carefully read the emails from the media company on my cell phone. I was so afraid of being apart from this group that I read every single email. Although I was on a vacation, relaxing and at leisure, deep in my heart I longed for the days when I was working day and night on those projects without food or drink.
I was very clear all along that all my abilities were given by Master. Especially after I worked full-time at the company, organizing the project and acting as public relations officer, much wisdom and many abilities came from the Fa, flowing easily. After leaving the project, sometimes I thought, “How should I use these abilities? Master, how I wished that I did not speak English fluently. Then I could go to the Tuidang site every day to clarify the truth to people.” I was uneasy about having these abilities, but how I could utilize what Master had given me to work with at the media company was a test that I could not overcome.
When a being clearly understands that all their wisdom came from Dafa and yet she could not use this to validate the Fa, words cannot describe the pain one feels. Subsequently for a period of time, Master truly took away my abilities. My mind was empty and I was not capable of doing anything. I had to pause and think before I did anything. I was at a loss. I continued to be in such a state until I took part in another project for the media company. From being a capable person, I became one who did not know how to do anything. But this was an extremely precious cultivation process.
The coordinator of the project was a new practitioner. His dedication to the role was unusual, and he had high expectations of us. We were often reprimanded by him. He once lost his temper at me in front of a room full of people. When I returned home, my mind was numbed. The next day, I seemed to have turned into a fool. However, I reminded myself not to resent him for the way he treated me. As a veteran practitioner, I should be patient towards new practitioners. He would not criticize me if there was nothing for me to improve upon.
On one occasion, he asked three practitioners including myself to give a speech at the media company. He told us the topic and content of the speech. Two days later, as soon as he got off the plane from a business trip, he asked us to present drafts of our speeches. After listening to our speeches, he said unceremoniously, “Who would want to listen to your speeches? All three of you go back and redo your speeches. If you cannot remember it, then write it down. It’s ok to read your speech tomorrow, but it must be correct!” It was already 12:30 a.m. My mind was empty. I planned to write my speech and read it the next day. In the middle of the night, he phoned me again and asked me to talk about my cultivation.
The next day I got up early in the morning and started to write my speech. Before the meeting, this coordinator asked me to read my speech to him. As I read the speech, I started to cry because I was so afraid that he would reprimand me again. After listening to my speech, he said to me kindly that it was very good, and reminded me not to cry when I read it in front of everyone. At the meeting, I carefully explained to everyone that because I had not spoken in front of so many people for so long, I was very nervous, and therefore I had written out my speech. As I read my speech, I wanted to cry but I tried hard to stop myself from crying for fear that I would be scolded again. I previously had no problem speaking in front of people, in either English or Chinese, but now I finally turned myself into someone insignificant.
I greatly treasured the process of being involved in the new project. I abandoned my past notions and experiences in doing things and let go of all my capabilities. Although I became very foolish on the surface, I obtained greater wisdom.
During the time of being insignificant, I also gained different understandings. I initially thought that discrediting me meant speaking less and keeping a low profile so that I would not be noticed by others. However I discovered that when I tried to be like this intentionally, I was turning myself into a being that was not me. I later realized that life in the universe is filled with different kinds of beings. Beings have different characteristics. Some are strong and some are weak. There is nothing good or bad about being strong or weak. However if this strength and weakness is based on the old universal characteristic of selfishness, then this strength would manifest as aggression in the old universe, and the weakness would manifest as low self-esteem and self-protection. If we assimilate our unique characteristics to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance, then this kind of strength would not harm others. It becomes a power for upholding the truth. Conversely, a weak trait that has assimilated to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance would not be a display of helplessness. I therefore realized that our cultivation was not meant to change the characteristic of a being. It is of utmost important that we assimilate to this Fa unconditionally. To accomplish this, we must study the Fa well.
I was busy with projects for many years, and often worked late into the night. I did not study the Fa on a regular basis, and when I studied the Fa, my heart was not calm. There were many things on my mind. I was very troubled about it, but I still could not break through this incorrect state. Nothing is coincidental in cultivation.
I met a guy who tried to court me early this year. This put me on guard. Having practiced cultivation for so many years, I always thought that I was very clear on the Fa principles in this aspect. I was very careful in my dealings with the opposite sex and took care to avoid this sort of trouble. Then how did this problem come up? Surely there must be something wrong with me. When I returned home at night, I read articles on the Minghui website regarding lust, one after another. As I read the articles, I discovered that I actually was very lustful. I was conscious that despite cultivating, I had accumulated too many of a variety of human attachments. The demon of lust is the most superficial and dirtiest thing. It is also easily exposed. However, behind this demon of lust is hidden a great many other attachments such as showing off, pursuit of fame and gain, and zealotry. I knew that there was nowhere I could hide in cultivation. I must face my attachments and elevate solidly.
From that time onward, I resolved to thoroughly change my habit of sleeping and getting up late. I also began to study the Fa regularly. I disciplined myself to do the things that Master asked of his disciples every morning before I stepped out of the house – that is, to send righteous thoughts, do the exercises, and study the Fa. On weekends, I went outdoors to do the exercises in the morning. During my daily bus ride, I either studied the Fa or sent righteous thoughts so that my mind would not be thinking of all sorts of things. In the morning when it was time to work, I focused on doing my job well. At night when I returned home, I continued to study the Fa, or did the exercises. When I persisted in following this routine for several months, my cultivation underwent a great change.
I had been passive in looking within myself in the past. I would often look within myself only when a tribulation came up and I was left with no choice. Now, I was constantly reminded that I was a cultivator. I learned how to look for thoughts that didn’t meet the requirements of the Fa, and eliminated them. Previously, although I looked within myself and found the attachment, I did not truly cultivate and did not take the initiative to eliminate these attachments. I now understood that besides studying the Fa, doing the exercises, and sending righteous thoughts, truly cultivating is also very important. When eliminating one’s attachment, the main thing is whether one is able to endure hardship and have the right understanding.
Eliminating one’s attachments is like a process of eliminating karma. The symptoms displayed are similar to those when eliminating karma. The only difference is that sickness karma manifests physically, while in eliminating attachments, one suffers mentally. The first attachment I got rid of was the demon of lust. This desire was very strong, but it was easy to let it go. In the process of eliminating lust, all kinds of random thoughts filled my brain. If I regarded these thoughts as myself I was moved, and not only was the attachment not eliminated, it deepened. Therefore, when it appears, we should not be led by it. In fact, this is the final struggle before it is eliminated. At this moment, it must be destroyed and rejected. The more steadfast we are, the quicker we will get rid of it.
The manifestation of sentimentality is more obscure and it is not so easy to detect. This is because it is made up of all kinds of feelings and sentiments, such as sadness and happiness, both of which are feelings that one is used to. Often, sentimentality is intertwined with other attachments, which makes other attachments appear more disastrous. For example, when jealousy and sentimentality are intertwined, it can make one tend to say bad things about others, and cause conflicts. When the demon of lust and sentimentality are combined together, one will be trapped in desires.
One day, I discovered that I was looking down upon others, and this made me very anxious, to the point that I broke down in tears. I didn’t know what to do. I thought, “From this point onward, I will regard everyone as better than me.” But this only restricted my behavior. I had to be clear on this, based on the Fa. A fellow practitioner told me that jealousy has two manifestations. One is that you cannot tolerate that others are better than you. The second is you look down on others. I later discovered that I could treat everyone equally, irregardless of their status or looks.
However, there was a practitioner whom I looked down upon no matter how hard I tried. This was because I thought that she had serious problems in her cultivation state. I felt that there was no way I could treat her equally. I knew that I had a problem! When I shared this with another practitioner, he told me, “When you look at others with your standard, you will think this is good or that is no good. When you use the Fa to measure everything, you will not have those thoughts.” His words helped me a lot. We cannot use our standards to judge others, just like the old forces, and pretend that we are helping them. If we do so, aren’t we cultivating to be like the old forces? We should use the Fa to measure everything around us. Master subsequently gave me hints to eliminate my sentimentality. I understood that attachment to sentimentality would also strengthen this shortcoming of looking down on people. When I got rid of the attachment to sentimentality and looked at this fellow practitioner, I no longer despised her.
In the process of eliminating attachments, we must undergo hardship. As bad substances are continually pushed to the surface, I kept rejecting and eliminating them. I know that in other dimensions, these are huge mountains. It is not possible to extinguish them without great effort. I sometimes felt that these substances could never be fully eliminated. During such times, it definitely is a test of resolve and righteous belief in Master and Dafa. How much you put in is how much you will gain. The stronger your righteous thoughts, the more attachments are eliminated.
On several occasions, after I persisted in eliminating a particular attachment after a long period of time, Master would let me experience the wonderful state when an attachment is eliminated. Because I continuously strove to eliminate my attachments like this, I could see myself changing daily. I felt as if finally I was back on track in my cultivation. Master gives us the mechanisms to eliminate attachments in cultivation and make progress. I experienced the state wherein the Fa cultivates practitioners. Indeed, there is nothing difficult about cultivation. As long as we maintain the pure heart of cultivators and constantly cultivate our xinxing, the speed with which we assimilate to the Fa is astonishing. I finally felt again as I did when I just started cultivation.
As I improved in cultivation, I changed the way I saw things. I had always held resentment towards the media company in the past, but this winter I became aware of the negative field created due to negative thoughts from everyone, which had accumulated over the years. I told myself that the company already has many problems, and I let all negative thoughts I had about it in the past not have any effect. I decided that whatever needed to be borne, let me bear it. Several days after I had this thought, I began to cough and this went on for a month. My understanding was that if one does not bear hardship in cultivation, one will not be able to elevate. Often, when things are difficult, elevation takes place more quickly. Therefore, when in trouble and pain, don’t lose this good opportunity to make progress in cultivation.
After this year’s New York Fa conference, I returned to the company. I made this decision very quickly because I wanted to fulfill my vow, do my part well, and make up for my past inadequacies.
I would like to advise practitioners who previously struggled in Dafa projects that these conflicts are deceptions. Let go of your attachments and deny the old forces' arrangements. Treasure the opportunity, and do your best. When you look back at these so-called tribulations and tests, you may see that it was nothing but an opportunity to temper Dafa disciples. I also hope that practitioners who leave certain projects, as I did, will soon return, and fulfill our vows together.
I read a sharing on the Minghui website about seven or eight years ago, and was very moved by it. The article stated, “Dafa disciples’ cultivation ended.” When cultivation comes to an end, by then the practitioners are divine beings and don’t have human thoughts. Consummation is just a thought only and one step away. However to the divine beings who have reached consummation, this step is extremely difficult because they cannot bear to face their incomplete world. When I finished reading this sharing, I clearly felt the pain of not being able to face one’s sentient beings as described in the article. I often used this to encourage myself to be diligent and do well in saving sentient beings. I hope that we can find the passion we had when we first started cultivation, and not leave any regrets in our cultivation or disappoint the hopes of sentient beings.
Thank you, Master! Thank you, everyone!