(Minghui.org) Last year practitioner A criticized me after group Fa study. I didn't expect her outburst and I was speechless. I tried to explain, but she said, “No excuse! You never listen to others!” I realized that I should calm down and listen to her quietly.
She said, “Why don't you say anything? Are you trying to show how good you are? Even though everyone says that you are good doesn't mean that you are really good. Don't try to hide your attachments by keeping silent.”
I told myself that I couldn't stand her attitude, especially since she didn't bring up any facts, but something that she had imagined. I tried to remain calm, but was so deeply depressed that my mind was disturbed for several days.
Everything Happens for a Reason
Everything experienced by a practitioner happens for a reason. Therefore, I had to figure out why this incident happened. Many practitioners told me that I was of good character, but couldn't remain calm when encountering conflicts.
I asked myself, “Why did I feel so sad and depressed? Was it because of practitioner A's attitude or because the criticism wasn't based on facts? Could I still have deeply hidden attachments? Or perhaps I didn't like the way she treated me? Could it be that I lacked compassion?”
I determined that I had to look inside, find my attachments and eliminate them. There were many attachments, such as jealousy, lacking compassion, not accepting criticism, wanting my opinion to count, and being afraid of hardships.
Despite all my efforts I couldn't calm down and still felt hurt. I couldn't imagine why practitioner A saw me in a different light although we had experienced so many difficult situations. If she wanted me to improve, she should have used a different approach.
I did look within, but concluded that it was practitioner A's problem. I felt ashamed, not because I was hurt, but because I was attached to “being hurt.” However, I was sure that I would continue to work on the issue until I had fully calmed down.
Falun Dafa Gave Me Wisdom
Several days later when I was clarifying the truth, a paragraph from Zhuan Falun appeared in my mind:
“In providing salvation to humankind, the Buddha School does not attach any condition or seek returns, and it will help unconditionally. Accordingly, we can do many things for practitioners.” (Lecture One in Zhuan Falun)
I was shocked. In order to save us, Master has done so much for us unconditionally. I should therefore follow the Fa unconditionally. We should cultivate diligently and be steadfast. I realized that I lacked proper thoughts.
Master said, “What’s not a right mind? It refers to a person’s inability to always treat himself as a practitioner.” (Lecture Six in Zhuan Falun)
I asked myself, “Did I always hold Dafa in my heart? Did I always believe in Dafa and Master whenever I encountered any difficulties?” Not really, instead I was depressed, sad, miserable, complained to other practitioners and felt helpless. These feelings indeed reflected that my thoughts were not proper.
The moment I had that thought, the heavy burden I carried all those days had disappeared. I was relaxed and my mind was clear.
I studied the Fa and continued to look within, just as Master said in a poem:
“As a cultivatorOne always looks for one’s own faults’Tis the Way to get rid of attachments most effectivelyThere’s no way to skip ordeals, big or small[During a conflict, if you can remember:]'He’s right,And I’m wrong,'What’s to dispute?”(“Who's Right, Who's Wrong” in Hong Yin III)
Obstacle to Improvement
Before I practiced Falun Dafa, I believed that I was an easy-going good person. Yet, my friends had seen the true me, one that wanted to be always in the right.
After I practiced Falun Dafa, I tried to remain calm and peaceful, even when I was detained at a labor camp. I knew that I had to improve, but was sure that at least “my character” was good enough.
I didn't measure myself against the Fa and missed several chances when I could have improved. Several practitioners had pointed out my problem. I was humble on the surface, but I only rectified problems that I agreed with. I thought I did well because I accepted criticism without arguing. I needed to let go of being self-centered.
Looking further within, I found that I was jealous. After practitioner A told me about her shortcomings, I developed the thought, “She has been practicing cultivation for a long time, how could she still behave like that?”
Then, when she criticized me I thought, “She hasn't cultivated well, so how could she criticize me?” I worried that if she told fellow practitioners what she had told me, I would lose face. That was the turning point. I knew that I had to let go of jealousy.
I finally understood that if I point out a fellow practitioner's problems, I should do it only if I can assess them from the Fa and not with a human mind.
Category: Improving Oneself
