(Minghui.org) (continued from Elevating Myself While Validating the Fa )
At the beginning of my cultivation, my feeling toward Dafa had basically stayed at the perceptual level. By and large, I merely thought that cultivation was a sacred affair and that to be able to obtain Dafa was a great blessing.
When I finally truly entered into serious cultivation practice, I realized how difficult it is to be a cultivator. The process of letting go of attachments was painful to the core of my being. I eventually understood the reason I stumbled and fell was that I had not truly dedicated myself to ridding myself of all human attachments.
Recognizing and Eliminating the Pursuit of Fame
The notion of seeking fame and reputation was the source of many of my repeated stumbles on my cultivation path. In cultivation, if we don’t cultivate diligently, it is because of this notion of fame that we try to cover up anything that might negatively affect our image, that we only show our good side to others, that we want only to listen to compliments, and that we are attached to others thinking well of us.
Before, when I would do anything I would feel proud of my abilities, and when others would give me kudos I would feel pleased inside, despite my verbal response being quite humble.
I know now all these are brought on by the mentality of fame, by my desire to gain approval. My self-deprecation and shield of modesty are actually the products of my pursuit of fame.
My personality was such that often when I stumbled I would just lie there unwilling to pick myself up and unwilling to face personal problems. Through diligent Fa-study and inward looking, I found out that my desire for fame had gone to such an extreme that I had developed an inferiority complex.
Everything in the Fa-rectification period is but the manifestation of Master’s magnificent Fa power and compassion. We are merely beings with physical bodies assisting Master to rectify the Fa in this world, and so we should not think so much of our personal achievements because that is the incorrect thought of wanting to validate ourselves.
I remember when I was released from illegal detention, I would speak about how I endured the extreme torture of sleep deprivation. Family members who are also practitioners reminded me that it was really Master who has endured everything for us, so I should not have this notion of validating myself. That same evening, I experienced the real agony of going through prolonged sleep deprivation. Family members sat with me and sent forth righteous thoughts until I was finally able to fall asleep. When I was in prison, I had never experienced this agony. I am thankful my fellow practitioners pointed out my problem. I am especially grateful for Master’s magnanimity for granting me salvation. Master truly endured for us disciples. There is no human language sufficient to speak of Master’s compassion and greatness.
In the face of this Great Law of the universe, I am but insignificantly tiny. Whatever I succeed to do, it is but done through the immensely compassionate support from Master. Every step we make is under Master’s care and protection. Without Master, we have no present or future. Our abilities are there because we have this desire to assist Master in Fa rectification. Master bestows on us corresponding abilities in accordance with our wishes. How can we be self-congratulatory and complacent? Without abilities given by Master, we can accomplish nothing. We should simply remind ourselves constantly to do our best with our given abilities in fulfilling our vows and completing our mission.
Cultivating Away My Heart of Resentment
Human desires are so insatiable that we are forever reaching for things that are out of reach and ignoring what we already have in our possession.
I grew up in a relatively favorable home environment. Throughout my life, I have basked in the unconditional love and care from my parents and elder brother. Yet, somehow I always managed to feel resentment toward my parents over minor issues. Even after I began cultivation, I did not address this mindset, but continued to allow this bad thing to fester.
I felt ashamed and perturbed that I entertained that kind of thinking as a cultivator. However, because of my attachment to reputation, I was afraid people would ridicule and despise me if I were to speak of this problem, so I always concealed it. I knew I was wrong to resent my parents, yet I continued to get into conflicts with them over many things.
One time, after my family was being persecuted, my father suggested we should all look inward, but I felt very rebellious and did not want to do so. When my father continued to encourage me, I finally succumbed. I looked carefully at my every thought and discovered many that were not in tune with Dafa and knew they must be eliminated.
However, it felt like something was stuck in my throat and I couldn’t speak up about them. I knew it was interference arranged by the old forces. I knew I must negate the old forces once and for all. And so, I blurted out everything that had been hidden deep in my heart, exposing everything I had tried to keep under wraps.
After that, I felt extremely light. My family of fellow practitioners did not blame me, but looked inward themselves to uncover what they might have done that might have contributed to my resentment and my wanting to cover it up.
From that time on, my feeling of resentment was completely disintegrated. I couldn’t even recall any grudge against my parents. It was as if it had never happened. On top of that, my mentality of fear of burdening my family was simultaneously disintegrated.
Cultivating Away My Bad Temper
I had a very quick temper. When other people said or did something I didn't like, all of a sudden I would become impatient, my tone of voice would immediately turn cold, and my words would become biting. It was as if I had turned into somebody else.
It pained me every time this happened. I knew that was not the proper behavior of a cultivator. I knew that “me” was not the true “me.” I knew every time my bad temper was exposed, it was because something had hit upon my selfish self.
One time, my bad temper surfaced, but fellow practitioners in my family did not reproach me. Instead, they pointed out my problem with compassion. They reminded me to cherish every moment to elevate my xinxing and not allow deviant thoughts to control me.
I found it extremely difficult to accept what they said and didn’t want to listen, but their compassionate attitude and tone of voice prevented me from blowing up.
All of a sudden, I enlightened to the fact that this irascible attitude was but an acquired habit; it was not my true self. So, in my heart, I silently sent forth righteous thought to eliminate it.
Slowly, the anger began to subside. I closed my eyes tight, feeling an extraordinary sense of comfort.
I became clearly cognizant that I must take the reins to seize control and not wait for bad thoughts to surface before eliminating them, and that when I send forth righteous thoughts, I need to eliminate these acquired deviant notions.
During the process of eliminating my bad temper, I enlightened to the wonder of being a cultivator. I realize that, actually, cultivation is not hard at all. It’s just a matter of whether we have the desire to rid ourselves of deviant thoughts. As long as we thoroughly eliminate these bad thoughts as soon as they rear their ugly heads, we will be able to march forward on our cultivation path and truly validate the Fa.
The above is merely my personal understanding. Please point out anything incorrect.
