(Minghui.org) Recently, I have felt time passing very quickly. I don't get much done before the day is over. I can tell that the time Master arranged for us to cultivate is less and less. Looking inside I find that I am still stuck at the same level after over ten years of cultivation. I have not reached the requirement of the Fa. I am very anxious. If the Fa-rectification period were to end now, I would be full of regret.
Why do I improve so slowly? I read the Fa and look inside during tribulations. I am cultivating, yet I am still stuck at the same level. I have missed one opportunity after another that Master arranged for me so that I could improve. In other words, I face the same test again and again because I did not pass it.
I am ashamed to talk about this test. I often have conflicts with another practitioner. If I said something or did something wrong or there was a misunderstanding, this would cause the conflict. When the practitioner would accuse me of something, I would rarely argue or explain even a little bit. If the practitioner continued to talk about it, or it was embarrassing when so many practitioners saw this and I felt uneasy in my heart, I would recite “Don't Argue” and “Who's Right, Who's Wrong” from Hong Yin III , which helped sometimes.
During the latest incident, that practitioner lost her temper with me because of a small thing. She pointed out several of my attachments. I thought, “Here comes the tribulation again. I must do well this time, so that I won't have to go through it again.” As I did before, I recited “Who's Right, Who's Wrong” from Hong Yin III .
As I was reciting the Fa, I was very calm, but not undisturbed. I thought that the tribulation would not come again if I passed it this time. However, my mind was not pure because I was afraid of the confrontation and just wanted to get along in an ordinary way. I did not find my fundamental attachment and therefore did not improve.
When I got home, I still thought that the situation was not as she described. She had imposed some things on me. I felt she was scolding me, and had attacked me. All those ordinary people's attachments were stirred up in me.
When I did not see the problem from a practitioner's point of view, demons took advantage of my loopholes and interfered with me: “You are not wrong, she is wrong!” The more I thought about it, the more upset I felt. I could not let it go and could not calm down as I did the exercises or meditated. I could not focus during Fa study, and sending righteous thoughts had no effect. I felt resentful and tired. I thought to myself, “Cultivation is really hard!”
I thought that other practitioners should not have to worry about me even though I do not cultivate well. Although Master uses their mouths to give me hints, they do not feel good when conflicts arise. I felt sorry for them. Why should I trouble others? I tried to avoid conflicts in order not to affect the whole body of practitioners. I decided not to meddle with anything in the future and even developed negative thoughts.
I seem to belong to those with “a lot of karma and poor enlightenment quality” ( Zhuan Falun ). It is hard for me to cultivate to high levels. When I realized this, I was determined to mind my own business and avoid conflicts. Whatever level I attained would be through my own cultivation.
One day when I opened Zhuan Falun , the following sentence caught my attention:
"Here, we teach everyone to follow the righteous way, and at the same time explain the Fa to you thoroughly to let you become enlightened on your own. It is your own business whether you want to learn it. The master takes you through the entrance, and it is up to you to practice cultivation. Nobody will force you or make you practice cultivation. It is your own business whether you practice cultivation. In other words, no one will interfere with it in terms of which path you take, what you want, or what you try to get. We can only advise people to be good."
This awakened me. Master reminds me: “Disciple, do not fall down! It is dangerous!” I was very excited that Master did not give up on me and tried to pull me up. Thank you, Master. I changed my mind completely. I felt that I would be unworthy of Master's compassionate and painstakingly salvation if I did not cultivate well.
Now I felt different when I recited “Who's Right, Who's Wrong.” I enlightened to the deeper meaning of “He's right, and I'm wrong.”(“Who's Right, Who's Wrong,” Hong Yin III) In order to reach that level, I need truly to put myself aside and abandon the fake “me” to reach the realm of selflessness.
We come to human society lost in delusion. We are very easily contaminated in this big dye vat. As result, we are covered with karma and surrounded by bad notions, thought karma, and other substances that we acquired after we came to this human world. It is really difficult to find our true self. We must study the Fa and differentiate the real “me” from the fake “me” in order to abandon the fake “me.” We need to understand that conflicts are caused by our own faults, and we need to find the attachment. This way, we can do better in the future and return to our true self with our original nature.
When I looked at fellow practitioners again, their cultivated sides were shining and I admired them. I may have a few more technical skills but developed the attachment of complacency. I also have attachments of resentment, fear, not cultivating my speech, doing things, seeking comfort, laziness, and sentimentality. I still cannot completely follow Master's requirement to do exercises and study the Fa, and cannot believe Master completely. I have found so many attachments.
Although I am doing the three things, they do not help much. I do the three things with many ordinary people's attachments. When an ordinary person does Dafa work, it does not bring mighty virtue. Isn't my cultivation in vain? What I should do? I have to be strongly determined to cultivate. As long as the Fa-rectification period has not ended, I still have a chance. I must hurry up and do well.
Master said:
“Cultivation depends on one’s own efforts, while the transformation of gong is done by one’s master.” (Zhuan Falun)
As long as I try hard to cultivate, Master will help me to remove bad substances in me. When we can eliminate all of our attachments, we can go back to our real home with Master when the time comes.
Category: Improving Oneself
