(Minghui.org) I have practiced Falun Dafa for over nine years now, received many benefits, and experienced many miracles. But one issue has remained very difficult for me to pass. The test of lust.
My moral level on this issue dropped dramatically in the years just prior to becoming a practitioner. I was once even warned in a dream to take a different path and not indulge myself in such filthy things, but at the time I could not resist it.
Once I began studying and practicing Falun Dafa, I felt clean, pure, and light. My notions were still warped, however. It was just that due to my initial excitement in discovering the Fa, my enthusiasm masked it. Looking back I can see that Master was giving me a period of time to understand.
I was still very much controlled by lust, although unable to detect it, and the manifestations became worse and worse. I eventually sunk completely on this issue and indulged in watching wicked things. Every time I made a mistake I felt deep regret, vowed not to do it again, and then a few weeks later did it again. I did not understand what was happening to me or why I was so weak and had no control over my mind. I eventually stopped vowing not to do it again and just tried to do better. But no matter how hard I tried, the effect was short lived. I felt full of karma and bad substances, which made it even worse, and even easier to be controlled. This carried on for many years.
I eventually began to have more and more control, but there were still loopholes I could not detect, and from time to time I was interfered with again. I could pass the test with my wife and take it lightly, but when I was left alone, the pressure was tremendous and I could not escape it. In dreams, while in a deep sleep, I could not pass it, but in a half-awake state I could. I wondered how my mind could go from being strong one minute in one situation, to weak in another.
I recognized one problem. I had formed a habit of relaxing my main consciousness and giving in to selfishness when I was alone. When I was around others, I tried as best I could to act as a Dafa disciple should, but when alone I completely relaxed my standard. I began to memorize the Fa on this subject in Zhuan Falun, which helped, but was still not enough, as I could not stay diligent enough to memorize the entire section. I also realized that I was controlled by desires in other areas of my life. As I recited the first paragraph over and over, one phrase stuck out:
“...everything is emotion, and ordinary people just live for emotion.” (Zhuan Falun, The Sixth Talk, “Attracting Demons in Qigong”)
I realized I was living my entire life to satisfy emotion. My diet was purely based on emotion. All the foods I ate were things I desired, such as bread, chocolate, coffee, crisps, sweets, meat, tea, etc. I was indulging lustfully in my food. I was putting on weight and losing my hair, and I looked terrible. The things I did in my life were also based on my desires. I am self-employed and only took work that suited my desires and vanity. This brought a lot of hardship to my family over the years. I always insisted on things being done my way, and I was in a foul mood almost all the time.
All these things have led to my not being able to study the Fa calmly for some five years now, as they produced a lot of thought karma. As I had let these notions run rampant, I was no longer in control of my mind.
As I corrected my diet and notions in other areas of my life, the thought karma lessened and I was able to become calm. I truly thought I had broken through this obstacle. The issue of lust did not seem to bother me and I could look upon others with compassion.
However, after a period of time I could feel the pressure building again. I knew the evil was trying to exert its control over me, and I was determined to resist it. However, the minute I was left alone, I reverted back in an instant. My mind went weak and foggy, and I was not in control. Afterward, I picked myself up and tried again.
After a couple of weeks, the same thing happened again. I could see a period of time coming when I would be left alone, and, sure enough, I was hit with a massive amount of pressure. Immediately my righteous thoughts were gone, but this time I was able to fight against the pressure a little. I went back and forth for about five minutes trying to break the habit. With a lot of effort, I was eventually able to break the habit of giving up control of my mind once I was alone.
This was not the end, however. After a while, the same situation arose again. This time I was more confident, as I knew I had broken the habit. However, after trying to withstand it, I could not, and gave in. This went on for two days. I could not understand why I was doing this—I did not want to, but felt I had no option nor control.
On the second day, when the demon of lust was most upon me, I cried out, “No! This is not me. I do not want to be like this any longer!” I immediately felt something leave my brain and my main consciousness return to full control of my mind.
In that instant I understood I had allowed my mind to be controlled for several years by another being. I had endured passively and even resisted, but it was only resisting whilst accepting the 'inevitable' outcome. I could see that once this being gave its orders, I would follow, and once the lust demon was upon me, I felt I had no option but to carry on until it was satisfied. I never knew how to get myself out of that state before. My righteous thoughts had not been strong enough.
I knew Master was bearing the real karma for me, but when I was amidst the tribulation I could not understand how Master could not intervene. Now, I know that it was because I had allowed it to control my mind as if it were me.
While reading the Fa recently, I decided to look up an article that Master made some comments about (Commentary 1, Essentials For Further Advancement II) The article 'Eliminate Demonic Nature', summed up quite accurately my own passive attitude toward the issue of lust, and some of the negative things that abound in society today. Because these things were not directly used by the evil Party, I did not regard them as things to be cleared out in other dimensions, and in the early days of my practice even considered such things to be fine if humans wanted to indulge in them.
As these beings have hidden in my field over many years, I failed to do well. When faced with destruction, these beings amassed all they could to make me stumble to further prolong their lives. However, it is ruining the beings in my own dimensions. I can offer them the mercy of Master's benevolent resolution if they cease to interfere with me, otherwise I will eliminate them.
I feel a major level has been broken through for me. I will continue to memorize Master's Fa on this subject and strive to be diligent in all aspects of my cultivation.
My level is limited, so please point out anything incorrect.
Thank you, Master. Thank you, fellow practitioners.
Heshi.
Category: Improving Oneself
