(Minghui.org) I am a 75-year-old veteran Falun Dafa practitioner. I was becoming old, physically and mentally, until I became diligent in cultivating. On the other hand, my wife kept looking younger during that time.
My wife suffered from many illnesses that disappeared after she started practicing Falun Dafa. She also had many bad habits that she let go. She was selfish, difficult, angry at everything, and always wore a long face. She then became kind, hard working, and considerate of others.
We are the same age, but she began practicing two years after me. Further, the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) launched the persecution 20 days after she started. So, she looked to me for direction. I was firm in my determination to practice and she followed.
I made all the big decisions in our home, and she did the housework. She was often out of breath when she carried items to our 6th floor apartment, but she never asked for my help, even though I could do it running up the stairs.
My wife did not say much when fellow practitioners visited to share cultivation experiences. I could speak for hours, and I felt that she really admired me.
Years passed, and I noticed that my wife began looking younger while I appeared older.
Although age should not be a factor in cultivation, I treated myself as an old man. I lacked energy and I walked slow. I even asked my son to carry packages for me and I did not help with the housework.
When I saw people who were younger but in worse health, I lifted my chin, walked upright, and took long strides. I deceived myself that this was validating the Fa, but in reality I was showing off my superiority. Neighbors knew that I practiced Falun Dafa and seemed to cast envious eyes at me. But as soon as I returned home, I became a listless old man.
My wife on the other hand, looked like someone from ancient society. She was pure, frank, and upright in dealing with people, and she always smiled. I envied her. Cultivation seemed natural and easy for her, and she did not seem to have human attachments.
Both of us only have an elementary school education, but I am more knowledgeable. When reading the Fa, she relied on me to help her with words that she did not know or to decipher a passage that she did not understand.
I felt that her enlightenment quality was poor, but somehow she seemed ahead of me in cultivation. I lost my confidence.
I had so many attachments, and I knew that I needed to look inward. I thought I had good enlightenment quality, but I realized that I just espoused words without putting them into action. Sometimes, I felt that fellow practitioners benefited from my comments, but I soon forgot what I said. I actually had zero enlightenment quality.
From the outside, I was perceived as being a diligent practitioner. I cast a beautiful halo around myself, and loved flattery and respect. In comparison, my wife cultivated quietly—I felt ashamed.
So, I first evaluated the quality of my Fa-study. I found that I was focused when reading, but I focused on the wrong things. I was more interested in catching others misread words than understanding the meaning of the text, but I did not like it when others pointed out my mistakes.
It sometimes seemed that it was not my main consciousness reading, so my thinking was not clear.
I could not wait to show off what I had enlightened to when Fa-study was over. I embellished my words and the results were not good. My mind was not right.I knew I needed to peel off the layers of my false self and cultivate with my true self.
I needed to improve my xinxing. Master has told us to read the Fa more, and while studying we should merge ourselves with the Fa. In this way, we can detect any actions out of alignment with the Fa. I needed to check every single thought I had and measure it against the Fa; I needed to dig out any thoughts that did not measure up.
I was able to gradually purify myself, and I studied with a compassionate heart. My mental and physical state improved, and my aging spots disappeared. My complexion became rosy and shiny.
As I let go of attachments, I lost interest in ordinary things. The attachments to fighting, fame, and gain were most difficult to let go. When someone scolded me, I wanted to return the same, but I endured it and bit back my words. My attachment to self-respect was also hard to get rid of.
Overall, I felt Master removed a large chunk of black matter from me.
Master said:
“Forbearance is the key to improving one’s xinxing. To endure with anger, grievance, or tears is the forbearance of an everyday person who is attached to his concerns. To endure completely without anger or grievance is the forbearance of a cultivator.” (“What is Forbearance (Ren)?” in Essentials for Further Advancement)
On the surface, I endured, but I still had anger and grievance in my heart.
I have had many tests. My son fought with someone and I had to pay 20,000 yuan. It targeted my attachment to personal gain. And I have had several bouts of serious sickness karma, which tested my firm belief in Master and the Fa.
I have had tests of letting go of life and death, and affection towards family members. Some tests I passed well, but others I was rather careless.
In all, I still have much room to improve. I hope that with the help of Master and fellow practitioners, I can continue in the right direction.