(Minghui.org) I was gripped by the attachment of lust and I made serious mistakes in this regard. I had no righteous thoughts at the time and allowed myself to be controlled by the filth of the old forces.
It was only after the lust demon had departed that I woke up from my stupor and remorse began to set in.
I asked myself over and over, “I have come so far in cultivation, am I going to allow myself to be completely destroyed by my attachment to lust? Am I going to stay in this dark, filthy place?”
Yet, with all the mental torment, feelings of despair, and my confidence being constantly shaken by countless tribulations and setbacks, there remained a thought in my heart: “I will never give up practicing Falun Dafa!”
That thought was like a beacon. Its light was dim, but it provided me a source of courage and determination that helped me slowly regain my inner strength.
I promised myself “No matter how difficult it gets, I will not allow the old forces to have the upper hand. I don’t deserve to be a Dafa practitioner, but I will look at myself as a Dafa practitioner. I will not give up.”
Master said:
“Stand up when you fall, and that is the most remarkable. Start again and do well! As long as you can always walk along clearheadedly, and are always cultivating and doing what a Dafa disciple should do, you are remarkable and Master will recognize you! I hope everyone will cheer up and do it quickly, and do it well.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2016 New York Fa Conference”)
Master was still encouraging me and did not give up on me when I was so entangled with filthy thoughts.
I tried my best to persist in studying the Fa and sending forth righteous thoughts despite great interference. I even started to memorize Hong Yin, Lunyu and other of Master's quotes.
My main consciousness was initially separated by thick layers of rotten elements so that I couldn’t absorb any of the Fa. Whatever I tried to commit to memory would only stay on the surface. I became engulfed with strong feelings of fear, accompanied by intense anxiety and irritability. All these feelings tried to steer me away from Fa study and sending forth righteous thought, but I stood my ground. Gradually, I felt these feelings subside.
I was memorizing a verse from Hong Yin III one morning when, all of a sudden, a thick filthy substance that had weighed down on me disappeared, and a lot of other bad substances went out from the lower part of my body. Both the pain and feelings of anxiety and irritability were gone.
I became extremely peaceful and calm, with the sense of utter tranquility. I knew that the old forces in my dimension had been disintegrated.
I came to realize that righteous thoughts come from Dafa, and it is Master’s Dafa that has given me righteous thoughts. A life, however great it considers itself to be, if it ever departs from the Fa, is deceiving itself and is helpless to be affected by and deceived by the old forces.
No matter how poorly we are doing in cultivation, no matter how great the tribulations, if deep down we maintain our trust in Master and Dafa, believe in the power of the Fa, consider ourselves Dafa practitioners, persist in studying the Fa, and continue to do well the three things, Master will help us.
When my tribulation had passed, I was still thinking about the reasons behind its appearance and why it was so hard to rid myself of the attachment to lust.
Then, something dawned on me. I recalled two specific events.
First, a while back, I learned that another practitioner had stopped practicing Falun Dafa. I did not feel compassion or sorrow for this practitioner. Instead, I was actually gloating because he and I had some unresolved conflicts in the past, and I believed that he looked down on me.
Second, I heard about some local practitioners who had been cheated out of some money. I felt nothing but disdain towards them, believing that they brought it on to themselves out of their own stupidity.
I was sure there must be some connection between these two incidents and my tribulation. So I asked myself, “Isn’t my arrogance and sense of self-importance a kind of manifestation of demonic interference from one’s own mind?” No wonder the old forces jumped at the opportunity to take full advantage of my loophole and used my attachment to lust to shape my downfall!
When I was in the grip of lust, I knew it was wrong, I also knew that Master had tried to stop me, but I went ahead anyway. I believed that I had ample righteous thoughts, as I had fallen before, but had been able to pick myself up. So, I should have no problem doing the same again. Moreover, I believed my lust was impossible to suppress once it showed up, so I might as well relax, let myself go, and repent afterwards.
Finally, I confided in a practitioner. It wasn’t an easy confession, but afterwards, I felt light as if the burden had been lifted off my shoulders.
The practitioner had this to say:
“You've acknowledged your attachment to lust you've had for a long time. You think it gives you comfort and satisfaction, so you willingly place yourself under its control. When the lust demon has filled itself with your essence, it will leave you temporarily. That’s when you wake up and feel regret. When the lust demon wants to feed on your essence again, it will come back and the cycle repeats itself.”
“You feel remorse, yet you have not genuinely cultivated it away. You have looked at this problem as a minor issue and have never seriously wanted to cultivate it away by eliminating your every notion of sentimentality and desire, so these small problems snowball and your gap widens. You have weaved a tangled web for yourself all these years.”
Having listened carefully to what the practitioner said, my heart was deeply moved. I finally realized that I had truly been befuddled, despite the fact that I had always prided myself on being clearheaded.
Master said:
“Each of your attachments could cause your cultivation to fail. Each of your attachments could result in physical issues, and lead your once-firm faith in Dafa to waver.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2015 West Coast Fa Conference”)
I had always thought of myself as “special.” When I was going through tribulations and doubts brought on by my attachment to lust, I used to think that perhaps this was the path Master had arranged for me to take, because when I fell again and again I could pick myself up each time.
I believed in these thoughts for a long time.
The practitioner said, “Those thoughts are actually from the old forces. How could they have been arranged by Master? That is but your excuse for not doing your best to cultivate and rectify yourself. You think of them as tests. When you pick yourself up, you consider your success as proof that you are strong. You constantly believe you are overcoming the persecution imposed by the old forces. That is tantamount to acknowledging the old forces and accepting the persecution.”
I had indeed considered myself strong, as having cultivated well, because I had always picked myself up every time I fell, and that was how I had willingly allowed myself to be felled by the old forces time and time again.
I later recalled how I had often used my cell phone to check out ordinary people’s news and other websites. When something caught my eye, I would pursue it, ignoring the fact that ordinary people’s websites must have lots of impure substances that could and would pull me in and control me.
I became deeply cognizant of the seriousness of holding on to human attachments and the seriousness of cultivation at this time of Fa-rectification. I sincerely wanted to change and rid myself once and for all of my strong notions and attachments to lust.
I started out by studying the Fa more diligently and sending forth strong righteous thoughts to suppress and eliminate all desires to check out everyday people's websites.
Aside from the four designated times to send forth righteous thoughts, I sent them whenever I had a free moment. I would take the lead role to eliminate all wayward thoughts, even when lustful desires were not present.
Gradually, my persistence in eliminating the attachment to lust became a habit, and gained positive results.
Master said:
“The truth is, anything that is not consistent with Dafa or the righteous thoughts of Dafa disciples results from the old forces’ involvement, and that includes all of the unrighteous elements that you have.” (“On the Responses to the Piece About Assistant Souls”)
Master is telling us to recognize the old forces arrangements, so that we can completely deny them.
We will experience many ups and downs during our cultivation, but Master continues to give us opportunities because we must fulfill our prehistoric vows to save sentient beings.
I look back with indescribable, deep gratitude for Master's mercy. I am determined to stay the course, fulfill my vows and complete my mission.