(Minghui.org)
My misery started before I was born. My mother's doctor gave her a prescription for Sulfonamides before anyone knew she was pregnant. I was born with a cleft lip and palate. When I was six months old, a surgery on my cleft lip resulted in severe blood loss, and I almost died. I also suffered from Cerebral Palsy and Myocarditis. The doctor told my parents not to let me become angry or excited, and that I should not run, jump, or participate in any sports.
Before I started practicing Falun Dafa, I was so weak that I could barely walk, and my parents often had to carry me.
My entire family began to practice Falun Dafa in early 1996. In a short time, all my illnesses miraculously disappeared. For the first time in my life, I went to daycare the same as the other children. I was able to run and jump, and I made friends.
At that time, I read Zhuan Falun and other Dafa books with other Dafa practitioners every day. I was able to sit in double lotus position for hours.
I tried to follow what Master said and to be a good person. I knew very well that my new life was given to me by Master and Dafa.
In June of this year, I had a serious car accident. Although I was not injured, a fellow practitioner warned me, “You should look within. Your cultivation has some big problems.”
For a long time, I tried to look within. But I could not see what my main problem was. After sharing with fellow practitioners, I realized that although I read the Fa every day, I wasn't letting it into my heart.
I had found one problem, but not the cause of the problem. I thought it might be because I was too busy doing projects, so I withdrew from some of the projects.
But instead of improving, my cultivation got worse. I slacked off more and more, and got up later and later. I slept until 8 or 9 o'clock in the morning, missing the morning exercises. I felt bad about it, but I didn't know how to change.
After Master gave me a hint, I realized that I was looking outward rather than inward. No matter how much time I spent reading the Fa, it didn't help because I was failing to cultivate my xinxing. I kept myself busy doing things just for the sake of doing things. I was not treating myself as a Dafa practitioner with the purpose of saving sentient beings.
Master said:
“...to tell you the truth, no one intends for your cultivation to be a success and no one is giving thought to how your cultivation goes. The old forces want only to complete what they want to see completed, and that’s it.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2015 West Coast Fa Conference”)
When I was busy doing things, all I cared about was finishing what I was doing and to see things being completed. I was surprised to realize that my thoughts aligned so closely with those of the old forces.
After looking within, I discovered another problem. Sometimes, when things were not going well or when I was in a bad mood, I used ordinary people's methods to relax, such as watching movies or TV, instead of studying the Fa more.
I realized that doing that was like going to hospital when feeling sick. Taking medicine puts bad things into your body, and watching movies or TV shows is even worse because it lets bad things get into your mind.
I tried not to watch those entertainment programs, because I knew that I should not. But I still had the desire to watch them. I found that it was because I still yearned to live a happy life. I especially enjoyed watching the love stories, without realizing that I was becoming more and more complacent.
After reading articles on the Minghui website about finding one's fundamental attachment, I began to think, “What is my fundamental attachment?”
In the past, whenever I tried to tackle the question, my brain would go blank. This time, I was determined to find it. Master said that everyone has his or her own “fundamental attachment.” I must have one too.
I stood in front of Master's portrait and asked Master for help.
I then closed my eyes and asked myself, “Why are you cultivating? Why don't you want to stop cultivating and go back to being an ordinary person?”
I asked again and again. In the end, I heard a voice answering: “No, I don't want to stop. If I go back to being an ordinary person, my old illnesses might return. Without Master's protection, I might have to face all sorts of troubles in life.”
Finally, I found it. That was my deepest attachment, to seek comfort, and to enjoy the benefits that Dafa provides. I felt so ashamed of myself. How can I face Master with such a dirty thought?
I came to understand that I needed to maintain a pure heart in cultivation. I should not seek anything, not consider what I might gain, nor think about whether I can complete my cultivation. I am a Dafa disciple, and I will follow what Master asked us to do.
I am determined to do all that I can to meet the standard of the Fa, and do without seeking. Do what Master expects a true Dafa disciple to do. Because, I am a Falun Dafa disciple.