(Minghui.org) When I was detained at a detention center in 2015 for suing former communist dictator Jiang Zemin, I ran into another practitioner. She was an elementary school teacher and was about my age, and she had lost her job due to the Chinese Communist Party's (CCP) persecution of Falun Dafa.

I noticed that her expression was always peaceful and calm, and she was smiling whenever and wherever I saw her. I asked her why she always had a smile. She said she didn’t know. She also mentioned that a police officer once asked her the same question while she was detained.

I thought about it and reflected on myself. My facial expression gave people the impression I was cold or even hostile at times. I did not realize this until I noticed the other practitioner's expression. However, two years had gone by since then, and I still appeared to be cold and stiff. I needed to look within for the reason.

Why did people perceive me as unhappy? I told myself that I needed to look more peaceful and compassionate. I looked in the mirror to practice and tried to smile. But my smile was stiff and fake.

What was preventing me from smiling naturally? I remembered that I was very happy every day when I first started to practice Falun Dafa. I used to like to sleep until late in the morning. But after I started to practice Falun Dafa, I could get up very early to do the exercises. When I did the meditation, my legs hurt, but I was happy and full of joy.

Why was I not smiling after cultivating for 20 years? I repeatedly asked myself and looked inward. I eventually realized that it was my fear of being persecuted, my resentment of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) officials and police officers who persecuted practitioners, and my competitive mentality.

When I was illegally detained, it had a great impact on my family, especially my elderly mother. After that I always worried about my mom being hurt again. In addition, I worried that my daughter would be persecuted, especially when she went to the countryside alone at night to distribute truth-clarifying materials. I did not let go of my sentimentality towards my mother or my daughter. 

I also found my fear of being persecuted again, my selfishness, and especially my notions about not fully believing in Master and the Fa and forgetting that I was a Dafa practitioner. With so many human notions, how could I be happy and joyful?

I recently saw a lot of police officers out and about when the CCP's 19th National Congress was being held, and that bothered me. I did not hate them, but I still really hated Jiang Zemin, the former head of the CCP who launched the persecution of Falun Dafa. It wasn't until I started writing this article that I realized this resentment had been deeply hidden for a long time and is still very intense.

When I have resentment, it clouds my reason. Sometimes at home, when I disagreed with some of the things my daughter was doing, I often felt resentment. As a practitioner, I should not have the attachment of resentment at all.

After I was released from a detention center, I felt a little embarrassed to see my colleagues again. This was due to the attachment of pursuing fame. I still saw the detention from an ordinary point of view, instead of using a practitioner's standard to measure myself. I did not yet truly believe in Master and the Fa and was not cultivating myself according to Dafa's standards.

In summary, the sentiment I had towards my mother and my daughter, the pursuit of fame, the resentment, and the competitive mentality were all intertwined and protecting my self-interest.

Master has taught us that:

“Compassion should arise in the heart, and the facial expression should be peaceful.” (The Great Way of Spiritual Perfection).

I always wondered why I did not have this compassion. But I just stopped there and never truly looked inward. I still guarded my selfishness based on the principles of the old cosmos and did not cultivate compassion.

After I found all these attachments, I felt that my heart was lighter and that my capacity had expanded. When I sent forth righteous thoughts, I felt very peaceful and was smiling without it feeling stiff and cold. Although I could not see my face, I knew my face looked peaceful. Master said,

“… the appearance stems from the mind.” (“Fa Teaching Given at the Epoch Times Meeting”, Teaching the Fa at the Conference X).

I want to be a true Dafa practitioner and have the expression on my face be one of peace and joy so that other people can see and feel the greatness of Dafa practitioners.