(Minghui.org) I am a so-called “sandwich child,” and have an older sister and a younger brother. For that I already felt as a toddler that I was disadvantaged. Notably, I was jealous of my younger brother. This jealousy was strengthened by the behavior of one of my grandmothers. She was partial to boys, while the girls did not count for much.
Before I started to cultivate I did not realize that I was jealous, and was certain that a grown up no longer gets jealous. Thus, this attachment became second nature for me. As a result, it did not occur to me that I was jealous.
A Zhuan Falun sub-chapter addresses the jealousy issue, a chapter that I had read countless times. I always thought that it was of no concern to me. I was sure that I was not jealous. Only when I replaced the word envy with jealousy when reading Zhuan Falun did I see some connection to the attachment of jealousy, and I remembered my childhood. Yet, I was still certain that I no longer was jealous since I began practicing Falun Dafa.
However, eventually I ran into a major xinxing test related to this attachment. In my office, we were only a few people, consisting of my boss, a colleague and I. When my colleague, with whom I got along well, moved to another city, my boss hired another person. Everything I did suddenly went wrong and my boss blamed me for all the problems. Besides, he was mean to me, no matter how I tried to defend myself and told him that I was not involved in that particular job. Instead of listening to me, he dressed me down, yet when my colleague showed up his face lit up. I did not regard the situation based on the Fa, but felt that I was treated unfairly.
In the process, I did not realize that the deeply hidden jealousy in my heart made its appearance again. When cultivating, all attachments come to the surface, so we can remove them. However, this did not occur to me at that moment. I was trapped within my feelings until the time when I went to work my heart palpitating and stomach pains. That was the moment when I realized that things could not go on like that. I wanted to get away from this situation – just escape. Actually I understood that a practitioner does not run away from a xinxing test situation. But, I was so absorbed in my feelings, that I forgot to look inside at that moment, and no longer behaved like a practitioner.
I started to look for another job. Up to then, I had accepted only short-term work contracts. However, shortly after, management at my workplace offered me a permanent job, although I just wanted to leave.
I finally understood that a cultivation opportunity had been arranged for me, so I could realize that I was jealous and get rid of it. I also saw my attachment to fame. Now, I could handle the situation, but I had not gotten rid of my jealousy. However, my attachments were no longer hidden and I recognized them. This truly was a cultivation process. It was a cultivation puzzle that came to light.
Master said:
“Accordingly, in your future cultivation practice you will run into all kinds of tribulations. How can you practice cultivation without these hardships? If everyone is good to one another without conflicts of interests or interference from the human mind, how can your xinxing make progress by your only sitting there? That is impossible. One must truly temper and upgrade oneself through actual practice.” (Zhuan Falun)
To let go of anger, one needs to experience a difficult situation. And, such a situation never takes long to arise.
Another person badmouthed me behind my back and told a lot of untruths. Thus, people I never met disliked and ostracized me. This bothered me a lot. I suffered under this situation, developed a lot of anger towards this person, and my heart was heavy. I could not let go of my anger. Just the opposite happened – I got angrier. And again, I forgot to look inside. Thus, I did not realize that this situation was arranged for me so I would find my attachments and elevate my xinxing.
Master said:
“Not only should you not compete and fight like him, but also you should not resent that person in your heart. Really, you should not hate that person. If you hate that person, aren’t you upset? You have not followed forbearance. We practice Zhen-Shan-Ren, and you would have even less compassion so to speak of. So you should not be like him or become really upset with him, despite his putting you in this awful situation where you cannot even raise your head. Instead of being angry with him, you should thank him in your heart and thank him sincerely.” (Zhuan Falun)
I stopped defending myself, something I used to do, only recently, when this person wrote me another mean-spirited e-mail that contained many untruths and distorted facts. I felt just the opposite. When reading the e-mail my heart remained calm and it did not bother me what she wrote. I could let go of my anger, which I had been bothered with for so long, and which made my heart heavy. I felt light, as if I was floating on a cloud. Nothing could upset me any longer. Suddenly I felt compassion for her and I thanked her from deep within my heart.
It took such a long time before I understood what Master said, not only in my mind, but also deep in my heart, although I had read the sections “Loss and Gain,” and “Transformation of Karma,” in Zhuan Falun quite often.
Other practitioners used to tell me that I should let go of this or that. Not, that I did not understand this. But, it is impossible to turn off one's feelings and thoughts as if one is a radio. Difficult tests are needed for one to recognize one's attachments and even more so to get rid of them. I don't believe that I have let go of everything, but now, I know how to find attachments. I immediately look within for an attachment I need to eliminate as soon as my heart is moved.
Master said:
“Validating the Fa is also cultivation. The cultivation process is one of continually recognizing your own shortcomings and then disposing of them. It's only that the earlier a lot of fundamental attachments are recognized the better. Recognizing them is, in itself, improvement. Being able to eliminate them, or overcome them, weaken them, and in the end completely eliminate them--that process is one of continually improving yourself, and it's the fundamental transformation of a being.” (“Teaching the Fa at the 2003 Atlanta Fa Conference” from Teaching the Fa at the Conference IV)
My path has often been rocky and painful. However, everything I come across helps me improve on my cultivation path.
Thank you, Master.
Category: Improving Oneself
