(Minghui.org) I recently read a sharing article on the Minghui website about a practitioner's heart-wrenching experience of getting rid of the attachment of resentment. He said that he “recognized that it wasn't a tribulation about life and death, but rather, it was about character improvement.”
The sharing really touched me. It reminded me of a fellow practitioner who went through sickness karma and was hospitalized. I examined myself and thought of how I dealt with his situation. There were things I needed to look inwards about. I also thought of lessons that I learned when I heard that the practitioner passed away.
The process of looking inward made me realize that I also thought of myself as “doing a good job.” I understand now that that was a huge problem in my cultivation.
As I remember, I was visiting the practitioner in the hospital. He told me about his daily life, his work, and the hardships he went through in cultivation. He also told stories about his successes, the happiness that he experienced in cultivation, and his determination in following Teacher. He said he was going through a life-and-death tribulation. In our chatting, he pointed out the attachment of fear that he saw in me.
I felt like we were relatives that hadn't met for a long time and that we had lots of things to talk about. But, although we talked about cultivation stories, there was something that blocked us. It was something I couldn't describe. I couldn't tell his true thought, nor sense his sincere heart. I asked him if he had any solemn declarations to make. He didn't answer me.
I also reminded him not to chit-chat with the director at the hospital. (I referred to a conversation he had with the director. He said, “Mr. Director, sorry for bothering you these days. Thank you for your hard work. I'm depending on you to help me recover.”)
Sometimes he didn't answer my questions, and sometimes he said that they were too trivial and not worth mentioning. I thought that perhaps this was how he could help increase his confidence in cultivation so that he could overcome the tribulation. At the time, I was very preoccupied with the thought of helping him and didn't look inside. I didn't realize that the feeling, “I'm doing a good job,” was such a serious and huge problem.
Now that I have examined myself and recalled the situation, I felt that he had a strong mentality of “I'm doing a good job in cultivation” too. I knew him well, and was very familiar with the kind of attitudes I had in the past when I was proud of myself because “I cultivated quite well.”
In fact, about the of feeling “I'm doing a good job in cultivation,” I was aware that when one truly cultivates well, one wouldn't think like that. The person who feels that he cultivates well is actually the opposite.
At the same time, I didn't see anything that wasn't good about myself, so my thought wasn't clear. I studied the Fa regularly, but I'd never thought about whether the “Demonic Interference from One's Own Mind” described in Zhuan Falun had anything to do with me. My third eye is not opened and I don't have supernormal abilities. Therefore, I often do things using my human mindset.
I'd gotten into a habit of only looking inside when there were no other way to resolve an issue. I went through one tribulation after another. Through these experiences, gradually, I learned that things that I thought were right were actually a result of my human attachments.
Behind the attachments, there were Chinese Communist Party culture, deviated human notions, old habits and thought karma. The feeling that “I'm doing a good job in cultivation” was certainly one of them. I recognize that the only thing that really belongs to the true me is to follow Teacher closely, assimilate into Dafa, and to hold on to the true thought of assisting Teacher to save sentient beings. Everything else that is impure and that is related to the feeling of “doing a good job in cultivation” has to be cultivated away.
I now understand that when I first felt that “I'm doing a good job in cultivation,” it was an indicator that I'd started developing demonic interference from my own mind. When I examined myself using these Fa principles, I found that I had all the problems listed in the lecture. I was horrified that I wasn't aware of it until now.
I discovered that in the past, it wasn't because I didn't look inside, but rather, when people pointed things out for me or reminded me of specific areas where I should improve, I didn't want to listen. I felt that I wasn't like how people thought. I was upset and argued with them. All these unpleasant things indicated that I felt I was more or less “doing a good job in cultivation.”
I only knew that my temperament needed some work and I tried to control myself and hold back. Now that I think back, behind the feeling of “I'm doing a good job in cultivation,” I willingly let the demonic interference take control of my own mind. The interference got worse as the days went by.
I know for a fact that when ordinary people are frustrated, they encourage themselves by saying, “I can do it. Just keep at it.” When they indeed do a bit better, they do feel that they are doing well. Whereas we, as cultivators who have done much Fa study and have had many cultivation experiences, when we recognize that we have many human notions and mindsets, we try to cultivate them away.
When these human notions and mindsets have indeed been removed, perhaps we would feel that it is because we understand some Fa principles to a certain extent, and so we are doing quite well in cultivation. We wouldn't feel anything wrong with that mentality. This is not a small issue. We need to be much more alert. I regret that I did not enlighten to this Fa principle sooner so I could help practitioners who are in need, especially those who have already passed away.
Indeed, I truly recognize that looking inside is a magical tool. When we are looking within unconditionally, we must always remember to cultivate ourselves. When we let go of the ego and complacency, we will walk our cultivation path more righteously.