(Minghui.org) I became a Falun Dafa practitioner when I was little. When I reached high school and college, however, I gradually stopped practicing Dafa and pursued high scores and rankings to make me look good. It was tiring both physically and mentally; I was in misery!
Now, I’m determined to cultivate in Dafa again. I’ve gotten the opportunity to study abroad as a Ph.D. Student. I believe Dafa gave me the wisdom and ability to achieve this. But I realized, however, that my attachment of pursuing fame and reputation had gotten even stronger. These attachments were in my thinking and actions: They had become like a second glove! During a recent work evaluation, I was able to recognize the attachment and eliminate it.
Master Li said,
“Once he becomes well known, though, often times he is easily interfered with by fame and profit. He will think that he still has a long way to go in life, and he still wants to make every effort to achieve some goals of everyday people.” (The Third Lecture, Zhuan Falun)
The attachment of pursuing reputation makes people worry about gain and loss. I felt strong anxiety and depression before a work evaluation. I even wanted to give up, thinking I would not be able to pass.
When I couldn’t overcome my anxiety, I increased my time for studying the Fa, because only Dafa could help me eliminate such negative substances. I could sense that there were entities pouring anxiety and worry into my head.
It was strange that such a trivial evaluation could make me so stressed out. Even ordinary people don’t take it that seriously. Why would I be so scared? It was obvious that the old forces were interfering with me. As I continued to study the Fa and send forth righteous thoughts, I was able to discover my negative thoughts.
I also believe that I was still holding onto the Chinese Communist Party's (CCP) indoctrination. Our teachers had always told us that we must study well and get into college, as if our lives would be ruined if we didn’t.
During that time, I heard from a friend that a coworker expressed his interest in me. A sudden happiness and excitement came over me. I noticed my emotion and tried my best to restrain it. I recalled Master’s examples about the demon of lust. I told myself, “I’m not an ordinary person. I am a Falun Dafa practitioner. I shall not let the demon of lust interfere with me.”
I was married, but my happiness from hearing about the coworker was very strong. I tried my best to stay clear-minded and resist this emotion. I kept on sending righteous thoughts until it was eliminated.
I realized that my happiness was also because of the coworker’s appreciation for me satisfied my pursuit of fame. I saw it as a recognition that I was a better person. In ordinary society, being attractive to others means you are outstanding and capable. That is how the pursuit of fame manifests itself through lust.
A panel of experts was usually invited to our work evaluations. A coworker said that only two experts were scheduled to come for hers. I said, “Isn’t that great? It would be easier to pass the evaluation since less people would critique your work.”
My coworker replied, “It truly is good to have more experts provide an opinion. That way, I would be able to make my project better. We don’t have the opportunity to have them give critiques during everyday work.” I was awakened by her words.
Being upset when hearing about being critiqued is because it touched on the attachment of my pursuing prestige. You think you are being criticized, but they are actually trying to help you improve.
Master Said,
Getting an earful of other people’s flattery about how capable he was, he would also not respect qigong masters from righteous schools. If someone said something bad about him, he would be upset. This person’s attachments to fame and self-interest were all developed. He considered himself better than others and extraordinary. He mistakenly thought that he was given the energy to become a qigong master and make a big fortune, when in fact it was for him to cultivate. As the attachments to fame and profit came up, this person’s xinxing level was actually falling. (Lecture Three, Zhuan Falun)
The attachment of pursuing prestige changes the nature of work. The purpose of the evaluation is to improve our projects. My goal, however, was to pass the evaluation so that I didn’t damage my reputation. I didn’t care if the project was completed or not.
Students take tests to see if they master the knowledge. But with the attachment of pursuing prestige, the goal is to be the top student! It’s all about competing with others for your fame.
I am an introvert, and I used to worry about it. As I read Master’s teachings, I learned that being reserved is not a bad thing since we cultivate our speech. I gradually realized that there was no good or bad between introvert versus extrovert. The reason I don’t like to talk much is due to my fear of losing face and the pursuit of fame.
I’m afraid of being judged and looked down upon. I try to maintain a good image in front of people and am careful not to upset anyone. In order to avoid saying anything wrong, I rarely talked.
This also shows that I often judge, which is not good. Judging people by their words, actions, clothes, status, and so on is totally wrong. It blocks me from offering salvation to the people I meet. I need to study the Fa more and send righteous thoughts to eliminate this attachment.