(Minghui.org) When I was imprisoned for practicing Falun Gong, I survived the ordeal and was eventually released. I was proud of myself, and felt that my wisdom and courage are what got me through it. I didn't realize my attachments until fellow practitioners made me aware of them. 

A practitioner pointed out how serious my problems were, which helped me to see my loopholes. I realized I was a Falun Dafa (aka Falun Gong) practitioner, not a hero in ordinary society. I started to study the Fa more and cleaned my thought processes. 

Finding and Eliminating Attachments

I found a job at a clothing factory. I delivered items to the assembly line workers who did the next procedure. One day I didn't have time to take items directly to a given worker, so she became angry with me. I was upset because she had taken my help for granted and complained as if it was my job to help her. 

I went back to my machine without saying anything to her. Master's Fa appeared in my mind, “... you do not say a word and feel very calm.” (Lecture One, Zhuan Falun)

I realized that I wasn't feeling calm even though I hadn't said a word. I was upset and disappointed. I looked inward and found that I wanted others to recognize that I was good. I wanted to be rewarded for helping my coworker. I also found my attachment to competitiveness. I did not fight back on the surface, but I decided not to speak to her again. 

I began figuring out how I developed the attachment to competitiveness. I remembered something that happened when I was in jail, where the prison guards used various methods to force me to give up my belief in Falun Gong, but failed. I was in a cell by myself on the top floor, and no one was allowed to contact or speak to me, including the guards. I felt abandoned and lonely. I did not look inward. Instead, I stopped speaking to people for several years. I wasted precious time that could have been used to clarify the truthabout Dafa to people.

I also found resentment toward my ex-husband. He divorced me and married someone else while I was in jail. Accepting what he did was hard for me at first, but then I just ignored him. I thought I had let go of the attachment of sentimentality by not contacting him. I realized that I wasn't being compassionate. I should have talked with him about Falun Dafa rather than ignoring him. 

I suddenly understood why people walked away without saying anything as soon as I told them the facts. My attachment to competition, and my resentment, that were preventing me from saving people. 

One day I ran into one of my father’s friends. He said that I should thank the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) for releasing me from jail. I felt very uncomfortable with his words, and I told him that the CCP threw good people in jail, and that the CCP should be eliminated. He did not accept what I said, and I started to look down on him. I thought he had the Stockholm Syndrome [condition in which hostages develop a psychological alliance with their captors during captivity]. I became alert as soon as I detected this thought. 

Master said:

“This is because Master has said that anything you encounter in your life, as long as you have stepped into the cultivation community, is not accidental, and everything is for the sake of your improvement.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2019 New York Fa Conference”)

I looked inward and understood that there must be a reason why I remembered Master's Fa.

I had a good impression of one prison guard when I was in jail. She did not treat me harshly. She was always smiling and took care of me. Over time, I became grateful and dependent on her. Sometimes I even cooperated with her evil requests. I could see through her hypocrisy, but I lost myself when she allowed me to read Master’s scriptures. Sometimes the guards spent half a day reading Master's scriptures and talking nonsense so they could get me to give up my belief in Dafa. I did not say anything to stop their cunning thoughts. I thought to myself, “Who cares what they say to me as long as they allow me to read Master's scriptures.”

After I was released, I read a passage in Zhuan Falun that gave me pause: 

“I don’t want to practice cultivation, either, and I just want to make money. As long as I have money, it’s fine. Who cares!” (Lecture Three, Zhuan Falun)

I realized that I was being disrespectful to Dafa when I didn't stop their nonsense as they talked about Dafa. 

Master said, 

“Only at the critical moment can we see his heart. If he doesn’t let go of certain attachments he might even dare to betray a Buddha—could this be a minor problem?” (“Huge Exposure,” Essentials for Further Advancement)

Why did I behave this way? I realized that the biggest obstacle in my cultivation was “myself.” The motivation for me to do anything was from self interest. When I was in the prison, I didn't care if the guard was attacking Dafa. All I cared about was being able to read Master’s scriptures. Could I truly obtain the Fa while holding on to such filthy thinking? 

I understood that the ultimate purpose of the CCP was to destroy people. They not only kill people physically, they also destroy people's souls.

Master said,

“Its purpose was very clear: It was to turn Chinese people’s thinking and conduct into something garbage-like.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2019 New York Fa Conference”)

I realized it was dangerous for a practitioner to become cunning, because such behavior is contrary to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance.

Master said, 

“As Master sees it, your each and every thought, and your every single action, reveals to me what your heart is like. What I least like are those who are all talk and no action. Nor do I like those who are cunning. What I like are those who are honest and simple, sincere and down-to-earth. I also hope that you can all, after so many years of cultivating, positively grow in wisdom and not grow so much in terms of knowing how to deal with worldly matters or how to conduct yourself as a human being leading a worldly life.” (“Fa Teaching Given at the 2010 New York Fa Conference”)

“I have also been observing that for many Dafa disciples, particularly in that environment in mainland China, with the twisted interpersonal relations, twisted human conduct, and twisted ways of thinking—in that kind of society, it’s hard for them to avoid being affected by it. Although Dafa disciples should conduct themselves according to Dafa, once you step out the door, what you encounter is just this kind of interpersonal relations in ordinary human society. The whole society is twisted, so you have to do things like that. As time goes on, your conduct becomes indistinguishable from the way people interact with one another in this society. Even in the way you think about issues, you have become accustomed to this mode of human existence, and you thus feel this is just how things are.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2019 New York Fa Conference”)

The evil Party distorts human nature and makes our living environment complicated. As cultivators, we can rectify ourselves over time. Sometimes I talked insincerely to please others when I talked about Falun Dafa and the persecution. The result was usually not good because my notions made the words I said not sacred. 

I will study the Fa more, learn the Fa well, while cultivating myself well. 

Category: Improving Oneself