(Clearwisdom.net) I experienced a "life-or-death" test in which I broke away from my old self and denied the old forces' persecution. It was due to Teacher's compassion that I passed the test. This experience exposed many roots of my attachments. Today I will share my experience in detail with my fellow practitioners.
In September 2003, I wouldn't stop bleeding after my period. I couldn't stand still and was lethargic. My back was in contant pain and my mental state was terrible. It affected my work, life, practice, and validating the Fa. My body got weaker as days went by and I frequently had the thought, "Had I signed an endorsement with the old forces and this is my path?" I felt I was going to die at any time and was full of anxiety. Facing this abnormal state in my cultivation, and knowing I had an attachment and that the old forces had used it to persecute me, I realized the solemnity of cultivation. Teacher said,
"It's difficult to practice cultivation, yet very easy to fall. When a person fails a test or can't let go of a strong human attachment, he might reverse himself or go to the opposite side. There are too many lessons in history. Only after having fallen down will a person begin to regret, yet then it's too late." ("Dafa Can Never be Plagiarized," Essentials for Further Advancement)
I sent righteous thoughts to deny the old forces' arrangements and looked for my fundamental attachments.
1. Attachment of Wanting to Cure Illness
When I started to practice Falun Dafa, I had the attachment of healing illnesses. I couldn't face the sickness karma with righteous thoughts and often thought of it as a real illness. In my mind, I often asked Teacher to eliminate the "karma" and I barely passed the test of having sickness karma. Though I knew the Fa-principles, I didn't do well in this area.
2. Attachment to Lust and Desire
Being a practitioner (my husband is a practitioner also), we should take lust and desire lightly. If we can't strictly restrain ourselves, the evil will have excuses to persecute us: "In order to eliminate your attachment to lust and desire, we'll make you ill. Then maybe you will maintain your xinxing better." Under this circumstance, if we can't wake up from it, then Teacher and the Fa-guarding gods can't do anything to help. The only solution is to have righteous thoughts.
3. Attachment to Family and Viewing the Evil Persecution with Human Sentiments
In 2002, a family member who was a practitioner died because of the persecution. When I thought of his death and the young child he left behind, I couldn't stop crying. This even happened when I was exercising. Whenever I saw a public security officer or a policeman, my resentment arose and I completely viewed the persecution that the old forces forced upon practitioners as the same as persecution among everyday people.
During that time, the issue of not being able to face my family member's death with righteous thoughts affected my validating the Fa. I was afraid of being arrested and persecuted for clarifying the truth. The old forces forced the deviated notion that "clarifying the truth means being arrested" upon me. I didn't deny it at that time. Hence, I did less truth clarifying work. The old forces thus found an excuse to persecute me. From the end of 2002 to September 2003, almost 9 months, my health condition was constantly worsening. I didn't take it seriously enough and didn't walk out of the attachment of fear of being persecuted, as well as the attachment of human sentiment. This caused my health to get worse.
4. Attachment of Being Afraid of Death
"Grand talk counts for naught when it comes to life and death,
Actions reveal what is true."("The Knowing Heart," Essentials for Further Advancement II).
When facing the real test of life and death (of course the old forces are not even qualified to test practitioners), I found that my attachments of wanting to cure illnesses and being afraid of being arrested and persecuted came from the deeper attachment of being afraid of death.
As the tribulation grew bigger, I couldn't pass it and couldn't face it with righteous thoughts, and I ended up trying to solve it like an everyday person. When I bled for over a month, the human notion of "could it be cervical cancer?" kept emerging. The old forces created the illusion of continuous bleeding, which an ordinary person would look upon as an illness or even cancer. The thought that "I might die" didn't stop and though I continued to send righteous thoughts to deny the old forces' persecution, the situation didn't improve. This severely shook my belief in Dafa. At the same time, I worried that if I died because of the "illness," it would bring a very negative impact on Dafa. Driven by the attachment of being "afraid of death," I went to a local hospital for a check up. The doctor told me, "I can't examine you now. It will have to wait until you stop bleeding."
I immediately woke up and realized that it was Teacher trying to enlighten me. I was ashamed of my bad enlightenment quality.
"For a long time now some students just haven't gotten rid of their fundamental attachments! And as things have piled up, at the end they aren't able to overcome them and their tribulations get big. When problems occur, instead of searching for problems in their xinxing, fundamentally improving themselves, or truly letting go of the matter and coming through in an open and dignified manner by another route, they focus on the thing at hand--'Goodness? why is it that I still can't overcome this thing? I've done better today, so it should have improved a little. Tomorrow I'll do even better and it should improve some more.' He can never let go of that thing. On the surface it appears that he's letting it go--'Look, I'm doing well now.' You're doing well now but you are doing well now for its sake. You aren't doing that for the purpose of doing what a true Dafa disciple should do!" ("Teaching and Explaining the Fa at the Metropolitan New York Fa Conference")
5. My Heart Was Not Steadfast Toward Teacher and the Fa
As Teacher mentioned in Zhuan Falun,
"At a certain point in time, you will be made unable to discern clearly whether something is true, whether your gong exists, whether you can practice cultivation and make it, or whether there are Buddhas and if they are real. In the future, these situations will surface again to give you this false impression and make you feel as though they do not exist and are all false--it is to see whether you are determined. You say that you must be firm and sure-footed. With this determination, if you can indeed be firmly resolute at that point, you will naturally do well because your xinxing will have already improved."
"Our Falun Dafa will protect practitioners from deviating. How does it protect you? If you are a true practitioner, our Falun will safeguard you. I am rooted in the universe. If anyone can harm you, he or she would be able to harm me. Put simply, that person would be able to harm this universe."
If a practitioner in the Fa-rectifying period really believes in Teacher and what Teacher says, then who in the universe will dare to persecute him or her? However, I didn't steadfastly and completely believe in Teacher. This resulted in the old forces targeting my attachments of pursuit and fear, setting up one barrier after another to shake my belief in Teacher and Dafa.
After I saw through the old forces' evil intentions, I started to strengthen my main consciousness, reminding myself that I was a practitioner and that I should firmly believe in Teacher and Dafa. Even if I had attachments, the old forces were not allowed to test or even persecute me. So I sat in the full Lotus position and solemnly placed Zhuan Falun in front of me. I turned to Teacher's picture and without any thought of pursuit like usual, I was calm, poised, and not thinking about the results, I sent out righteous thoughts, "Teacher, please help me and strengthen me to fundamentally break all arrangements from the old forces. I will definitely not walk on the path arranged by the old forces. I will only walk on the path Teacher arranged for me and will follow the Fa until the end. I will never desert my physical body, as I have many things to do and many sentient beings to save. If I have any attachment, I will change." Soon, Teacher's compassion and Dafa's extraordinary power manifested itself to me.
From the end of October to early November, in only a few days, I stopped bleeding (I had bled for over 2 months). I was filled with energy and my mental state was clear again. Hence, I "easily" passed such a seemingly hard test. My gratitude to Teacher was beyond words. This experience thoroughly broke through many of my human layers and strengthened my confidence in the Fa. I felt that on the path of practicing and validating the Fa, with Teacher and the Fa being in our mind constantly, the old forces, dark minions and rotten demons that interfered with the Fa were all nothing. We are particles of the Fa. Teacher made us and gave us everything. As long as we truly change our human notions and truly believe in Teacher, we will be able to succeed in cultivation.
I also thought, based on this experience, that all those former practitioners who have enlightened along an evil path and who were "transformed" by the evil persecution, all had a fundamental attachment: doubting Teacher's Fa and not firmly believing in the Fa. If we can tell them the extraordinary stories of Dafa manifesting to practitioners and everyday people who acknowledge that Dafa is good, it might eliminate their doubts and fundamental attachments, and help them to come back to the Fa. Of course this should be done based on Fa principles.
