(Clearwisdom.net) I began to practice Falun Dafa right after I graduated from high school. My parents are also practitioners, and it is because they originally introduced me to Dafa that I became a practitioner.
Ever since the first time I started to clarify the truth to people in Chinatown area near my house, I knew I was always easily moved by others. Especially when the evil was still very rampant, there were always people tearing down our flyers and getting mad at me. All I could do was cry. Since I based everything on human emotion, I felt that ordinary people were accusing me for being a Falun Gong practitioner, and I did not feel that what I was doing was the most sacred thing in the world. As my cultivation has progressed, though I still have problems with strong human emotion, I have enlightened to some parts of it that I would like to share.
In my personal cultivation, I seldom argue with other practitioners and am always reserved, in order to "avoid conflicts" and "keep a benevolent heart." For example, in group discussion, if Practitioner A says, "It's good if we do this," I will think what she says quite reasonable. Later, Practitioner B may say, "I think what Practitioner A is trying to do is not really good." Then I think that what B says is true. By keeping their ideas in mind and not discussing them, I find I am always confused about other practitioners' opinions. When it comes to a personal matter and other practitioners criticize me, I will soon believe it, be overly concerned about it, and feel like I am the worst practitioner ever, without even thinking about the matter clearheadedly. For many years in cultivation, I have wavered so much in terms of personal cultivation, which caused many problems when I have to do the three things during Fa rectification.
Recently, Practitioner C said to me, "I think you worry too much about what other people think of you, and what you call 'avoiding conflicts' with other practitioners is actually done out of feelings." This comment, of course, again made me feel down, and it took a great deal of energy to think about how I should eliminate those feelings. When I then talked to Practitioner D to share about my attachments pointed out by Practitioner C, he said, "I think you always waver. Just now you asked for my opinion. But if I say something, it will only cause you to be more confused. I think you should not measure things against other people's words, but always use the Fa as the standard for everything. To be dependent on other practitioners will only cause other unnecessary attachments." I was quite surprised by what he said and it gave me a deeper understanding of qing.
The other day I had a conflict with my mother regarding our different understandings of the Fa. I insisted that my understanding was right, while she tried to convince me to agree with her understanding. She is a practitioner, but I thought her thinking was not right, yet she tried to force it on me. We argued a great deal, and I talked to her disrespectfully. We both ended up angry, and she was very disappointed with me. But several days later, I wavered again, I came up with the idea that, even though her understanding was different from mine, I was not supposed to talk to her in such a disrespectful way because she is my mother. I thought that I should apologize to her because my behavior was not right as a practitioner and I should agree with what she asked me to do in order to avoid conflicts.
However, during the night, just after I had decided to talk with my mother again, I had a dream about my grandmother that had passed away. In the dream, I stood beside her bed with my mother, talking with her, whispering in a low voice. I knew my grandmother was going to pass away soon because she was so sick and old, but, surprisingly, when I looked at my mother's face, she looked as old as my grandmother. I woke up with such uncomfortable feelings inside my heart. Then I suddenly remembered what Teacher said:
"Human beings live in delusion and just cannot give up these things. Some people cannot let go of their sons and daughters and claim how good they are, and then they pass away. One may speak of how good one's mother is, but then she also dies. This person grieves so much that he almost wants to follow her for the rest of his life. Why don't you think about it? Aren't they here to torment you? They use this form to make you unable to lead a good life." (From "Demonic Interference From One's Own Mind" in Zhuan Falun)
I knew Teacher was giving me a hint, as I asked myself the question, "If my mother passes away and she begs me to do this or that, will my heart be unaffected?"
What I was trying to do by apologizing to her seemed benevolent but was actually motivated by strong emotions. When other practitioners tell me this or that, I am strongly affected and use my human feelings to judge things instead of the Fa.
Teacher said in Zhuan Falun:
"Why can human beings be human? It is because human beings have sentimentality. They live just for this sentimentality. Affection among family members, love between a man and a woman, love for parents, feelings, friendship, doing things for friendship, and everything else all related to this sentimentality. Whether a person likes to do something or not, is happy or unhappy, loves or hates something, and everything in the entire human society comes from this sentimentality. If this sentimentality is not relinquished, you will be unable to practice cultivation. If you are free from this sentimentality, nobody can affect you. An everyday person's mind will be unable to sway you. What takes over in its place is benevolence, which is something more noble." (From "Upgrading Xinxing" in Zhuan Falun)
Suddenly I was enlightened to the true meaning of "benevolence." It is very far different from emotion, which makes people waver and not remain firm. Emotion always changes, depending on the condition of one's heart. It is unstable and unreliable. The root cause of my being so wishy-washy and easily moved is strong "qing". It is truly like a virus that make you very weak and easily controlled by others. Nothing can be viewed clearly if it's clouded by emotion. My understanding is that, once a practitioner can shed this and be free of it, one is able to see the true face of the universe. Whether it is among family members, fellow practitioners, or ordinary people, one is able to see everything with boundless compassion and a benevolent heart that everyone is actually suffering and needs to be saved.
By studying the Fa more, the level of a practitioner is continuously being upgraded, as well as his/her wisdom and benevolent heart. By sharing my experiences, I hope that other practitioners with similar problems will be able to break through this attachment, believe in only the Fa, and use the Fa as the standard to measure everything.
This is my individual understanding. Please point out anything inappropriate.
Category: Journeys of Cultivation
