(Clearwisdom.net) Ever since I was young, I longed to be a maverick and dreamed of obtaining fame overnight. I believed in luck, hated following rules, and delighted in playing petty tricks on people. Before I began practicing Falun Gong, I always thought that my personality showed my strengths, and I was proud that I never followed the crowd and had my own unconventional ways of doing things. As I cultivated however, I began to see that these notions had become a hindrance to my improvement.
Before I obtained the Fa, I had no idea about the truth of the universe; therefore I saw no need to be constrained by various schools of thought in the human world. I always considered myself a standout among the crowd and thus felt deserving of special treatment. I held a strong sense of superiority and scoffed at rules other people dared not disobey. I enjoyed muddying the water to catch fish [a Chinese idiom meaning that fish become an easy catch if the water they live in is stirred up and becomes turbid: Used to describe a situation where one stands to grab improper interest in chaotic times] and took pride in being an ambitious and uncommitted opportunist. When I started cultivation, however, this mentality turned out to be an obstacle to my unconditional assimilation into the Fa. As a matter of fact, these notions were preventing me from truly believing in Master and Dafa from the very beginning of my cultivation. I had trouble following Dafa’s requirements wholeheartedly and always found excuses to discount the standards and try something different. In a nutshell, I felt special and was thus lax in meeting the requirements.
When I finally looked within seriously, I found deep in my heart that I had certain elements that resisted the Fa-rectification, and these elements were exactly the warped notions I just described above. The notions were hidden so deeply that I failed to recognize them earlier. This way of thinking was also common among all beings in the old universe who are selfish in their very nature. My feeling special, trusting to luck, imposing higher standards on other people, but having lax requirements for myself was a typical manifestation of these selfish traits.
These degenerate notions revealed themselves in many aspects of my cultivation. I was hesitant to totally let go of self and always had reservations when it came to relinquishing all my attachments. I was fine dropping the things I didn’t consider important anyway, but clung tightly to my favorites. I managed to find various excuses from the Fa to justify my hesitation in abandoning my attachments, and to cover-up my unrighteousness. To put it frankly, I was avoiding the Fa-rectification. I still had the desire to cultivate into a divine being, but nonetheless was eager to hold onto my human notions and keep what I enjoyed as much as possible. These selfish characteristics were very difficult to detect because they were hidden very deeply. Had I not dug hard enough, I wouldn’t have been able to identify them. The difficulty of discovering my root problem was also why it always took me so long to pass each test. I lacked the initiative to break away from the things I already knew were not good. Strictly speaking, I failed to separate my true self from my warped self since I was already accustom to thinking the warped me was just part of my life.
Even though I never dared to acknowledge that I didn’t want to follow the requirements of the Fa-rectification, my behavior said it aloud. I always tried to get around the Fa-rectification standards by using my self-proclaimed, clever, unique, and unconventional methods. I felt that I was intelligent and capable, and thus entitled to privilege and special treatment. As such, I didn’t think I needed to follow the Fa-rectification requirements, and always attempted to change and lower the standards for myself. Of course, I never had the courage to face my true state of mind. Whenever the issue of believing in Master and Dafa was brought up, I always thought I passed the test and I’d even be upset if anyone claimed that I wasn’t putting 100% trust in Master and Dafa. However, a careful examination of my cultivation indicated that not only my behavior suggested otherwise, but deep in my heart I never had the desire to fully conform to the Fa-rectification requirements in the first place. The human side of me didn’t want to acknowledge my problem, but the facts spoke for themselves. When I said, “I believe in Master and Dafa very much,” I was just paying lip service and deceiving myself.
Earlier in my cultivation I didn’t recognize the problems mentioned above, but later when the same attachments kept popping up, I decided it was time to calm down and sort out my thoughts. Only then did I discover the elements within me that resisted the Fa-rectification. Even though they were hidden deeply and my human side didn't want to touch them, I was able to gauge myself against the Fa with reason and identify my root problem. All the issues that had been bothering me for so long were resolved in an instant, and the warped substances disappeared without a trace. My whole body felt very light.
The preceding is just my understanding after looking within following the Fa principles. Please point out anything inappropriate.
Category: Improving Oneself
